Dating Tips and Advice

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Comment by WhisperingWinds on April 8, 2010 at 8:26pm

Do you believe there is a soul mate out there for you? Well, you're not alone. Studies from the University of Virginia have shown that over 90% of young adults believe in the concept. And 88% believe that destiny has determined that there is one and only one person who is your soul mate.
The concept of the soul mate is thousands of years old and probably was originated by the Greek philosopher Plato. Plato described a soul mate as the person's "other half" that has been split from him. The quest of life is to find your missing half. That theme has been explored in movies like "The Butcher's Wife," "The Time Traveler's Wife," and "City of Angels." Other views of soul mates include reincarnation: our soul mate is someone with whom we have shared other lives.
The soul mate concept also carries with it the belief that a perfect person exists for us, if only we could find him or her -- then love and life would be easy. This belief has created a lot of trouble for people, especially in the area of commitment. By insisting on finding a perfect partner, many people have walked away from really great potential partners. Why? Because something was missing. Maybe it was chemistry, or that he/she didn't match their ideal of The One. So they've ended up alone, still looking for that perfect soul mate. The renowned family psychiatrist Frank Pittman once said, "Nothing has produced more unhappiness than the concept of the soul mate."
Having been a psychologist for more than 25 years, and married to one guy for the same long stretch, I can tell you that there are no perfect partners out there. Not me. Not my husband. Not any of my many clients, friends, or family members. Lasting love is a hard-won battle of personal discipline, compromise, dedication, and commitment.
Scientists have found that scent plays a role in physical attraction and desire. Other research shows that those who are of similar educational levels are more compatible. While I don't believe in The One perfect person idea, I do believe that there are better matches for us. And if we are with one of these people, we are more likely to have the experience of being with the one who is a soul mate (which I have had personally and can tell you, is a marvelous thing!).
The Indications
So chances are, there is more than one person out there who fits the bill for you. All of them are less than perfect. But if there are no perfect partners, how can you know whether to stay or go? Here are 10 relationship markers to help you know if he or she is The One:
1. When you're together you feel like you've come home.
2. You feel like your partnership was meant to be, as if kissed by destiny.
3. In your communication with each other there is a rapid "knowing" of what each of you means.
4. You have a shared mission in life, perhaps a cause, a career, or the creation of a family life.
5. When you're together the world seems like a better place.
6. Your mood is elevated when you're together. It's not necessarily passion or excitement, although that's there too at times.
7. When you look at him/her you see a part of yourself that's been missing. Perhaps it's her assertiveness or his joy of adventure. But it's something that when added to your life, makes you feel more complete.
8. Being together makes you more hopeful about the future you are creating.
9. You can be more authentic and fully yourself around your partner.
10. Being together makes each of you work harder on overcoming bad habits and becoming more loving people.
Don't worry if you don't feel all 10 of these things when you're with your partner. That's where the imperfection comes in -- either in you or your partner. If you are experiencing six or more of these markers, chances are you are matched well. Over time you can work towards having all of these qualities. Couples who have lasting love find that their relationships get closer and better over time. And that process has been my privilege and good fortune to experience personally -- after a lot of hard work that continues to this day!
Bottom line: your chances of finding The One are better than you think. So go out there and start looking. Love almost always comes in a surprise package that opens up in marvelous and magical ways.

Comment by WhisperingWinds on December 1, 2009 at 9:04am

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/88555/dating-tips-5-ways-to-make-yourself-approachable/

Comment by Daniel Steck on January 19, 2009 at 3:32pm

Hi Ms. Single Mama. I have two kids (1&3). Im having trouble finding social groups in my area(Toledo,Ohio). I dont want to do the bar scene. ill only find another ex. Do you know how I could find local social groups. perhaps for single parents. I have tryed a book club and and a local indie film club(it was all old people, much to my shock) with no luck. I hope this is a proper question for this blog.

Comment by Lionel on October 24, 2008 at 3:43pm

No dairy before a date...

Comment by Raymond on July 1, 2008 at 3:39am

Wow, I'm sorry, I got sucked into other stuff. Jennifer, Touche, a wonderful retorte. And a little levity amidst the exploration is good. I believe that this kind of interraction amongst the sexes is healthy. But is it valued? I don't know. You know, I'm new to blogging. And I'm a man of letters, as they used to say in the olden days. Letters, meaning carefully crafted words to convey a messages. Today, it's the blog. Jennifer, I will send you an invite to be friends and I will send you my book; a relationship handbook that I wrote when I was much younger but still has, I believe, some validity today and reflects, I think, much of what you responded to in your last post. And I will say that it is nice to know that there are those like you who can be emotionally and intellectually, well, nimble. Raymondo

Comment by Jennifer B on June 22, 2008 at 10:47am

Steph,
That was hilarious. Always fun to lighten things up. Bill I imagine at some point I'll be where you are at. I'd like to have a serious relationship with someone and I would prefer that person to have at least on child so that they get the whole parenting thing. Blending a family is a challenge but it's doable. I have two grown step daughters from my ex and they love being big sisters to thier 1/2 siblings. They also have 3 step siblings on their mom's side. things actually worked amazingly well. We even all went to Hawaii once. Me my husband, his Ex, her husband and all the kids. Everyone got along and the kids loved it!

Comment by Heather Mac on June 20, 2008 at 9:41pm

Jen, that last post hit the nail on the head for me and many friends i know. "Can I count on your integrity?" That is the most important question I will have for every man I get into a relationship with from now on!

Comment by Jennifer B on June 20, 2008 at 10:26am

As if I haven't rambled enough... here is one more thought. To me the old paradigm goes something like this "You meet my need for love and sex, I'll meet your need for love and financial security." Well now that women can provide financial security for themselves, it has thrown things off a bit. What women want is emotional security, "Can I count on your integrity?" that sort of thing. Yes we do all have more to offer but it doesn't come from material things.

Comment by Jennifer B on June 20, 2008 at 10:16am

Raymond, no need to apologize. A little sparing can be good mental exercise. But as I read over what we wrote I was reminded of the power of words. I think when I started this I was feeling flip and a little cynical. i am going to attempt a different perspective. As human beings we all have needs that are basically the same. We have a need for connection, physical well being, like health, safety, sexual expression, honesty, playfulness, joy, humor, peace, beauty, meaning, contribution, self expression, autonomy and freedom. the way we express or describe these needs may differ (you say cool I say self expression) but they are basically the same. Conflict comes in when we think our needs are more important than others or when we experience fear that another person is crushing a need. Like the person who feeds us with a sense of connection suddenly seems to crush all of our freedom and autonomy. I think healthy relationships are based on valuing someone's needs as much as we value our own. It's easy to do with our children, we reconstruct our lives and do what we can so that we can meet as many of their needs as possible while still meeting our own. But, in adult relationships we tend to approach them on a "can you meet my needs?" kind of level. This is a set up for frustration. There has to be an equal give and take. This is why having shared values is so important. When I was younger I placed very high value on play, humor, sexual expression and freedom I still value those things but now I place stronger value on awareness, integrity, connection, contribution, and having passion in work, love and play. The kind of relationships that I attracted then will be very different from the kind of relationships that I hope to have now. I think the best we can do is develop a keen awareness of what it is that we truly value in our lives and understand how those values affect our lives. At this point we will be better able to meet our own needs and have more ability to meet the needs of others. i hope you don't think I am lecturing. I am really just getting some thoughts out. Any feedback?

Comment by Raymond on June 18, 2008 at 10:22pm

Jennifer, I apologize if I came off too strong. You know, we men are always trying to figure out wass up. The old paradigm is more complex. And perhaps from an empowerment level, it shoud be less complex. Why? Because, intrinsically, emotionally, socially, financially, we all have more to offer today than ever.

I think that the process of elimination is the issue. Sex is very personal. Is it possible to de-personalize sex for women. And why would you want to do that. I don't know. Today, we have to mix chemistry with finance, with looks, with cool, with hip and with sex a appeal. So, you tell me what comes out on the other end.

Strike the terms. Replace casual sex with "give me what I want now." Be confident about what makes you fell good. And take care of yourself and look good because men are motivated by the obvious. Take all of the above and throw it into a stew of satisfaction and happiness, what do you come out with in the end?




Peace out.
rfq

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