Need help. Am I over thinking?

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Permalink Reply by Elizabeth on January 8, 2010 at 3:04pm

Get out while you can. He's a player. These are all signs of it. I wish I had listened to my gut earlier on and wouldn't have gotten hurt. Please know that you are better than this and get out. My boyfriend was like this but I didn't realize anything until I had already fallen in love with him. Now I'm still dating him and he is sleeping with other women, he doesn't know that I know this either. You have to respect yourself and if you are seeing these signs this early be thankful. This is your way out, take it.

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Permalink Reply by Billy Ray on January 8, 2010 at 5:04pm

S

I couldn't agree more with Elizabeth.... cut and run! It would be different, possilby, if he was being open and honest with you about his dating intentions... but.... sounds like he's being to 'close mouthed' about it, sneaking behind the scenes, etc. Better to take Elizabeth's advice and move on. You gave him the goods, and that's unfortunate, but.... better to nip this in the bud early... before you get too emotionally involved. Doesn't sound like a good fit for you.

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Permalink Reply by Don S. on January 8, 2010 at 6:02pm

Why would I log onto my dating profile after I met a woman who I went out with 3 times and had sex with???

Because I'm not fully convinced that she is in to me as much as I am in to her. Women are always looking at men as being players when in todays world women can be just as much players as men. So understand that the misdeeds of one woman in his life can cause every woman after her to be suspect.

You say that now he is always the one to initiate contact. Sweetie, if you don't call us or stroke us we look elsewhere. We are testing you out just as much as you are testing us out.

Also you need to consider that you are dating. And sometimes when grown folks date they have sex, and it doesn't mean that they are married after they go make a sandwich and smoke a Camel. Sometimes sex is just sex, and it's not a pivotal event. You should ask him kindly what does sex mean to him? and you may find that it means something different or that you have the same outlook but he feels like you are ashamed and so he's feeling the door closing and he's looking for the next door to knock on. Men have a MUCH harder time finding partners than women do and we have far more anxioty about being alone than women. If he's going to be putting all of his eggs in your basket you need to make it absolutly clear to him that you want him there.

And Chemistry goes away. In about 12-18months, so don't use that as a gage on how good it is, cuz you might as well just drop extacy togeather and say that you're the perfect couple because chemically thats all thats happening, you come down eventually.

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Permalink Reply by Jeff on January 9, 2010 at 1:08am

I don't know if this guy is a creep or not, but you might want to look at the fact that you are actively investigating his personal business after just a week or so of dating. Sure seems like you could let it breathe and evolve for a while before you have these kinds of expectations. Maybe consider taking the time to see if he's the right thing for you and you for him. You might chase him away if you're too much in his business at this early stage of the relationship.
There are no rules regarding sex that I know of. It's between you two what it means.

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Permalink Reply by WhisperingWinds on January 10, 2010 at 3:04pm

I am half with Elziabther half with Jeff.

Unless you have both agreed to be committed it is still up in the air.

Make him wait for sex.

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Permalink Reply by Jenny on January 11, 2010 at 4:55pm

i agree with Elizabeth, Billy Ray, and Jeff. :) No, having sex does not automatically mean that you are in a relationship to everyone. Maybe the fact that you take it that way means that is what it means to you which is great!!! But you should have some verbal "Lets be together IN a relationship" before you assume. Its the way the world is and although I would love to believe what they show in movies (damn you DISNEY! lol! ) you know you see 2 people hook up and then its like "I love you"... its not true 99.9% of the time. You would be best to distance yourself from this one and get your emotions unattached. I know I am not a man, but I came out of a situation where there was alot of "hidden intentions" although in MY case the guy WAS saying we were together and all that jazz but pulling the "chase me game"... read my post on mind games and see if that is where you want to be in a few months... I personally will NOT give my body again to a man who has not shown me love and respect as a person (thanks to all the non women hating guys out there that encouraged me to that) because I am a sincere person and it is important to ME. I sense you are the same as I. it hurts but mind games are not good from anyone.... man or women (its a HUMAN thing). I wouldn't be getting to into his life and what he is doing. The truth is he has sex with you and I am sorry if he whispered sweet things in your ear in the moment.. but there needs to be some follow through right? Its both men and women... Take some time to get to know yourself and what you want and need as a woman and don't let feelings of loneliness dictate your actions! Feelings will pass.... they are there to let us know when things are right or wrong and to help us make better decisions..

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Permalink Reply by S on January 11, 2010 at 5:05pm

Thanks everyone for your input. I kick myself for having sex so soon. Since I first wrote this, he and I did talk and he said he only wanted to date me, etc. and most of his time in the following days were spent talking to me via IM, Skype, phone, etc. We went out again on Saturday and had a great time. We made plans to go out again the next day...but then he never showed. No phone call, email, IM...nothing. My guy friends said he is probably in freak out mode in that he either feels like I'm trying to make him my boyfriend or that he really likes me but is scared about it. I honestly don't know what to think. But I do know that I am hurt that I was stood up. :(

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Permalink Reply by Billy Ray on January 11, 2010 at 5:26pm

S.....

Give it a week or so. And do not, by any means, contact him!! But, give it a week.... my guess is that he'll call you. Trick is what to do with him after he does call. He's probably a little freaked out that it might be moving a little too fast for him right now. Gotta treat him like a girlfriend now. A girlfriend that you only hear from every now and then. Minimal expectations!!! Just have fun with him, with no or at least minimal expecatations! Have fun.... did I say have fun!!? Did I say have minimal expectations??? Slow down.... he'll probably call.... take it easy..... have fun..... minimal expectations!!

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Permalink Reply by S on January 11, 2010 at 5:30pm

lol. I know. I did call yesterday twice because I honestly didn't realize he was "bailing" on me. So I called a guy friend and his first question was, "How many times have you contacted him?!" lol. So he told me to send an email saying I had no expectations and not trying to make him my boyfriend etc..in an attempt to "relieve" any pressure that may be causing the freak out. So I haven't tried to contact him since then and I won't. I hope that does the trick because all weekend all he kept saying was how much he enjoyed spending time with me and liked me etc. So I didn't see this coming at all.

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Permalink Reply by Amelia Delayne on January 11, 2010 at 10:18pm

If a man or woman says they're OK with non-exclusivity, it's because they aren't that into someone. I really think it's that simple - cause if when we really like someone, we don't want them seeing someone else. I think this goes for both sexes. So yeah hun, I'd pull your heart out of this one...unless you loved the sex and are OK with just that (doesn't sound like it though).

Have faith though - they aren't all players on those e-dating sites. You just have to kiss (and sometimes have sex) with numerous frogs before you find the good ones.

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Permalink Reply by Jenny on January 11, 2010 at 10:59pm

We have ALL done things we regret S so don't get too hard on yourself. It was a learning experience and it hurt but most that mattered do right? hey, if I were you I would be happy that you FEEL something. Alot of people out there have lost that. Once we begin to lose our ability to feel we become like those who hurt us. Its a sign that you are still a person and that is a gift to be given to someone who wants you, likes YOU, and deserves YOU. I actually feel bad for the people that go out and hurt others and are like "what? I never did anything!" Isn't that what the Nazi's tried to do after the Holocaust? Big example but same attitude of denial on a smaller scale.....

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Permalink Reply by Anita on January 11, 2010 at 11:02pm

Nope. Move on. This guy is playing games which in turn is just going to mess with your head.

You deserve better...

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