Safety issues with the Ex

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Permalink Reply by Ron on June 22, 2009 at 4:12pm

First off you did nothing wrong in this situation. You are the one who tried and gave the guy many opportunities to try to talk this thru and even work this out. i am getting from your comments about he didnt even try to talk you out of the divorce as a sign that maybe if he did you would have not gone thru this. Something tells me you wanted him to change and wanted to believe he might be able to but since he showed no signs of even being remorsful his lost right. Aboutt he papers well hun you gave them too him and he had many chances of reading thru them and he didnt so what he signed oh well he should have read the fine print again his lost.

Not about the kid situation again you are right on the money in doing what you did. When one lives the life he is living he is doing that by choice. he chose all that over your child, you and all the good things. So untill you can believe he has changed and is on the right track then yes he does not deserve over night visit. JMO from a Custodial Father

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Permalink Reply by Diane on June 22, 2009 at 4:24pm

Thank you so much. You are totally right. I was kind of expecting him to run back to me and say that he wanted his family. It hurt so much at the time (but it's easier now) that he never really even tried to get me back. It hurt from my perspective and it hurt me about my son as well - it's like, man, can't you get it together for your son. My bio-dad wasn't in my life either and as an adult, I've realized it wasn't personal, like he didn't love me, it was that my bio-dad had some serious issues - it just hurt as a kid. So...yes....thank you so much for your thoughts. He tries to manipulate my mind but I have to keep my son's safety at the forefront of my mind. I even asked my ex if he would move to Oregon to be closer to his son but he said he will never move out of CA again (even though he moved to Texas with his mistress for an illegal job and he moved closer to his brother but he wouldnt move for his son -that's sad and pitiful.)
HAppy (late) Father's day to you - I respect single fathers out there who are taking responsiblity for their kids. I respect you - your kids are blessed!

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Permalink Reply by Ron on June 22, 2009 at 4:33pm

Ty for the Fathers Day wishes. I as well never knew my father for 20 plus yrs. And as i grew up it was hard, even harder when at 16 my mother even abandon us. So when i became a parent and then my oldest sons mother split as well out of state i knew just how hard it would be for my son then 9 months old now 13. He dont know his mother and dont want to. My ex wife was his step mother and well she as well once she left didnt even want anything to do with him as well anything for me to do with her daughter who called me dad. Was 1 now she 5. Anyway we know what the kids will feel and go thru and ask and all we can do is be there not bash the other parent but be there for them when they ask the ?s and have the feelings. As long as we are honest with them love them and always there for them they will be ok. Now i have two other kids and they are lucky cause they have both the parents in their lifes just as much as the other.

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Permalink Reply by Jen I on June 22, 2009 at 4:48pm

Diane- if there is one thing I learned through the whole process was NO MATTER WHAT, the safety of my children comes first. Sounds like he had plenty of opportunities to step up to the plate and yes, he could have ACTUALLY read the divorce agreement.

When I took my ex to court for sole legal custody and supervised visitation he gave me hell about it over and over, but in all actuality he only sees his beautiful girls sporadically so it's not about his love for them being the priority, it seems to be about control.

I feel for you babe! Just remember it's not about him. If he truly wanted to be a parent he would change his lifestyle and make amends to get them back in his life. In the meantime, my ex has been to jail twice and been in two accidents since he told me how "safe" he was.

Remember that the responsibility for your son falls in your hands and it's got to be the number 1 priority.

Be proud!

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Permalink Reply by Angela McPherson on June 22, 2009 at 5:32pm

I agree with your decision. In fact, I am in a similar situation. My ex doesn't use hard drugs but he drinks alcohol like a fish! He will drink and drive and take the kids. He has NEVER handled any responsibility with the kids so I am asking the court to not grant visitation or if they do that they MUST be supervised. I TOTALLY support your decision 100%!! Good luck to you.

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Permalink Reply by Angel Christine on June 22, 2009 at 6:59pm

"I failed to tell him what specifically was in the divorce"....... Um, sweety, that is NOT your responsibility. Any rational and responsible person would sign a document before signing. ALL his bad, not yours. This is not your issue. Keeping your son safe is COMPLETELY your issue. So, too bad for him and GREAT JOB to you!

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Permalink Reply by Wendee on June 23, 2009 at 9:58am

Angel's right. My ex wouldn't respond to the divorce/custody papers, so I had the judge allow me to have his mother served in his stead (LOL). That's how he found out about the divorce and custody. He is 1200 miles away, and has no visitation without him initiating mediation first, in MY state. This isn't due to criminal activity, but due to being out of state, and an alcoholic. As far as I know, he's never read the papers.
In your situation, he needs to prove he's worthy to be a real father before he's given the green light. Your son's still too young to have overnights with a practical stranger, IMO. Perhaps with the bio dad moving slowly, it will eventually get there, but you have every right to keep visitation where it stands now.
Good luck! :)

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Permalink Reply by Diane on June 23, 2009 at 2:57pm

You are totally right. My son has only seen his dad 3 times in the past year. My son has a bigger bond with my brother - he says "Bobby" all the time instead of Daddy. My brother's name is Bobby. It's sad but hey, I mean, I don't know what to do about it. When my ex does come into town to visit, I watch my son's face intensely and he never exclaims Daddy or anything. My ex is a jovial guy so once he turns on his charm and humor, my son opens up. Sometimes I wonder if he just opens up because it's a nice man having fun with him or if it's because he knows it's his dad. I don't know. Thank you all so much for your words of advice and encouragement. Now I don't feel guilty. My ex was trying to make me feel like a slimeball for doing that. He can be really manipulative so I'm glad I got your advice!

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Permalink Reply by Jen on June 23, 2009 at 6:19pm

Diane, you are so right in what you have done to protect your son. Sometimes as parents we have to choose between the lesser of two evils. I know this first hand. It breaks my heart that my daughter does not have her dad in her life, however, that is mild compaired to the drugs, drinking and emotional abuse that she would have to endure at the hands of him, his girlfriend, and her children.

It sucks, it breaks your heart, but the child has to come first.

BTW, I did my divorce and custody papers myself, he read and signed them, the court added things to it that took away his rights until he complied with the judges wishes, and still he blew up when I enforced it for the sake of my daughter. Reading or not reading, it is just a spoiled little boy control freak throwing a fit cus he didn't get his way.

Take care!!

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Permalink Reply by Janer on September 7, 2009 at 2:36am

you can't take responsibility for him being too stupid to read papers before signing them! lol. if he REALLY wants visitation, he can go to court and fight to change the visitation agreement. Until that happens, it can't really matter that much to him. You are blessed with an idiot for an ex. Mine just plays an idiot on TV. he's smarter than i give him credit for sometimes and has managed to make my life hell in the process. No "moronic signing of documents" here. i'm jealous.

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