My son is calling his dads girl friend mommy...

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Permalink Reply by Candace on September 1, 2009 at 12:25pm

Wow see i don't get how your exs fiance gets off saying yes without talking to your ex and he talking with you. This is what I find so disrespectful. See my son knows her name and when corrected he can say her name. This is why I would like them to continue correcting him because 1 I don't know if they are going to stay together and 2 I don't want it to become a habit. This seems so not a big deal to me and like I am asking something basic but I guess it isn't basic at all.

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Permalink Reply by Angel Christine on September 1, 2009 at 1:45pm

Candace,
That is exactly what I said! It is NOT her place to tell my daughter it is okay without first speaking to me. I found that disrespectful, especially since I have always adored the fiance and fostered her relationship with my child. But I handled it very well. I waited until I was calm and rational and talked it over with her dad. My daughter is older, so I also talked it over with her. Unfortunately, your son will not understand why this would be inappropriate. Triple-ugh!

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Permalink Reply by Mr. Green on August 28, 2009 at 10:34am

Hey C! I know it hurts, to think of him thinking of someone else as "mommy".....but to him she is a mommy figure in his life.

This is the most challanging thing we all have to go through as single parents....

Shortly after kids had met my girlfriend, my 9 year old went home to tell her mom "She is like, so awesome!! Dad is the awesomeist, she is the awesomeist, they are going to get married and she is going to be my new mom!!".

Wow did I get a ear full on that one from the ex.

So as Angel said, and maybe a bit more, sit down and talk to the "other mom" about your son, and what is in HIS best interest....

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Permalink Reply by Candace on September 1, 2009 at 12:26pm

Mr. Green

Ugghhh

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Permalink Reply by Emily on August 29, 2009 at 7:40pm

I'll play devils advocate here if you all don't mind. Before I was a single parent myself, I was the step-mother to my ex's son. Even though I very clearly told him that he was not to call me "mom" it still ended up happening from time to time- mostly because people assumed I was his mom and sometimes it was just an easier way to explain our relationship. (he was 8 when his dad and I got married) Let me just say this from the "other woman's" perspective. Being the step-parent is absolutely the worst job on earth. No really, if you think being a single parent blows, being a step-parent REALLY, REALLY sucks. That girl friend gets the distinct pleasure of caring for your child while he is spending time with his dad- cooking his meals, cleaning his clothes, changing his diapers (if he is still doing that), picking up after his messes and she probably spends a chunk of change on him too. The kicker is that he will never ever love her the way he loves you (even if you are abusive, mean, terrible mommy). And unless she is a completely heartless bitch that hurts like hell. So let me just say while she is doing your job for you during your son's visitation, maybe it might be OK if just for a split second she could have the title. Just a thought. She might not be so bad if you could just give her a little bit of credit. If she bristles when you correct your son it may be that she feels diminished by you. Cut her a bit of slack eh? Remember, it hard to play second fiddle to you. You are a tough act to follow.

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Permalink Reply by Rebekah on August 29, 2009 at 7:57pm

I've been a step-parent. And now I'm a single parent. I think the comparison is apples to oranges. Being a step-parents sucks because you have all the responsibility but no authority, and if neither of the parents back you up, you become the "wicked step-mother." You have to constantly balance the child's need for you to love them and your need to withdraw just enough so that when the sh*t hits the fan because your opinion doesn't matter one ounce even though it would prevent disaster, your heart for the child will be torn in two, and you will still be The Evil One.

BUT. Single parenting means that your child's well-being is your sole responsibility. If things suck for your kid/s, it's no one's responsibility but your own, and that level of responsibility is horrific and guilt-inducing when not met with success.

So, Emily, while I empathize with what you are saying (and mostly agree), ease up, Girl!

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Permalink Reply by Pegasus on August 30, 2009 at 11:23am

Emily, I agree with virtually everything you so eloquently said here. The only thing I would challenge is that I made a conscious effort not to trap my daughter's ex-stepmom into the role of the "Maid" by trying to go above and beyond in division of household duties when Shay was over and to overtly make the effort to jointly plan and include her in our activites. Now...whether I was successful would probably be up for debate. I would hope that other remarried Dads who have half a clue would do the same and at least make the effort to nurture the Stepmoms role.

Rebekah: You are clearly very passionate about doing everything within your power to give your daughter only the best, and I can empathise that it hurts when your efforts fall short of the intended outcome. I don't think Emily is trying to understate the immense responsibility and emotional burden that SP's bear, though. I feel that she is just trying help others see the completely different set of difficulties that part-time step-parents face, as you so perfectly stated yourself. I would personally take being a full-time SP over a part-time role dealing with an ex and a 3rd party anyday. I think it is way less complicated for me and far more consistent for my daughter.

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Permalink Reply by Candace on September 1, 2009 at 12:31pm

response to Emily :

Wow I never thought about it like that. My son is with them 2 nights a week. I am going to sound like a heartless bitch here but I have to say it. She signed up for that title and being a mother figure did come with it but being called mom doesn't. He has a mom and I feel like she should respect that. I am very easy going and I have no control what goes on at their house and how my ex makes his girlfriend feel about being a step mom. I think of myself as a nice person and have always been kind to her but lately it seems like a battle of sorts for attention. I am not sure whats going on.

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Permalink Reply by Don S. on September 1, 2009 at 2:36pm

I like to read when people take the more difficult POV in this forum, thank you Emily! It takes some real thought and empathy to come to your position. My opinion is that we can't control what happens when our kids are with their other parent, judges can but we can't. So we need to pick our battles wisely and take every oportunity to become the best parent that we can be during our time with our kids (if we split it). Resentments, fears and feelings of inadaquacy drive most of my sleepless nights and endless masterminding, when I let the innocent words of a child cause me dis-ease it's me, not them. (and "Them" is all of THEM)

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Permalink Reply by Emily on September 4, 2009 at 11:52am

As a follow up to my earlier post:
Candace, I want to make it very clear that I think you are in the right. You should have the title of "Mom." There is no question that you have the moral high ground.
However, if this issue of title is the only transgression that the step-mom has committed then she is doing pretty good.
Don S made a very good point when he said that you need to pick your battles wisely. More likely than not, making a federal case out of this will lead to a major rift between you and your son's step-mom. I get that your feelings are hurt because you feel like you are getting pushed out of your rightful position. And you certainly have a right to feel hurt and to feel resentment toward the step-mom and your ex for that matter. My position is that sometimes it's just better to let this stuff go.
Someday there might be a bigger issue and one that is far more damaging to him and not just a threat to your self-esteem. ( A few off the top of my head- forcing him into child slavery, making him join a cult, water-boarding him because he didn't finish his vegetables- I'm kidding here but you get the idea)

Sometimes you have to choose between being right and being happy. (I think I heard that on Oprah)

Good Luck!

This is a bit of a tangent... How lucky is your son to have two grown women fight over him? We should all be so fortunate to have more than one person who is so taken with us that they want to be known as "the source."

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Permalink Reply by Pegasus on August 30, 2009 at 10:20am

Candace, the one very major thing I overlooked saying earlier is that whether it is this current "Mommy" issue or other things, the more the adults in the situation can cultivate a positive working relationship the easier it will be to handle the big issues down the road. Kids are incredibly intuitive and even if you guys aren't having open conflict in front of your son he will still sense the vibe. Consider also that if the girlfriends kids pick up that you don't like their Mom they may take it out on your son.

In rethinking my earlier post it may be a better plan to sit down with Dad and his girlfriend and just talk in general about formulating a cohesive plan between you three for the benefit of the kids and how you adults will interact before you ever get to the point of the "Mommy" issue.

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Permalink Reply by Richie on September 8, 2009 at 11:13am

I know that has to be an awful feeling. I think dad should have corrected him the first time it happened and again as necessary. And she should not be giving dirty looks. What if her kids called another woman mommy.

He is young and she may be giving most of the care when he is visiting dad. And because it has already started it is going to be hard to correct. You may just have to let it pass until he gets older, If you can talk to dad and his girlfriend, tell them how you feel and how strong these feelings are. This kind of thing is something that little will not understand and it is up to the grow folks to work out and figure out what is best for the kids.

Shame on dad for letting this start.

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