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My daughter thinks I hate her because...
My daughter is 10 and going through puberty a little early (i.e. physical and emotional changes). She lives a plane ride away and we only see each other a couple of times a year, though we talk on the phone and online as often as possible.
Her mom and I broke-up when she was only 9 or 10 months old. Both of us just always assumed that she would grow up knowing that she had two separate parents who loved her but just didn't live together. But as I learned this morning after talking to her mom, neither one of us ever had "the talk" about why we weren't together.
Last night, her mom and step-father (a great guy, by the way) had a 2+ hour talk with her on a great many things. One of the things that came up was that she was wondering why I left her...why I didn't love her...why did the two of us split up.
She actually just visited me for two weeks in March, so to hear that she said that she thought I didn't love her just KILLED me. I told her every day just how much I loved her and missed her. We even discussed the possiblities of her moving in with me during the summer.
The other thing she said was that "I have two fathers but neither one of them love me." Again...I was really shocked to hear this because I know her step-dad loves her very much, but there are now two younger sisters in that household that were born from their marriage so she doesn't think she is loved as much as the other two because she's not "his child". I know he tried to explain the difference between "step father" and "father" to her last night, but we're not sure if it truly sunk in. We all just assumed that she would grow up understanding...we never really considered her having questions as she grew older because she didn't know any other way.
Whew...that's a lot to process, I know.
So my question is really, at this point, how in the world can I explain to my daughter how much I love her? How do I explain the split with her mom? How do I explain the difference between "father" and "step father"?
I'm in a bit of a panic over the situation because this kind of came out of the blue. And now I've got a 2 1/2 year-old son with my ex-wife...and we've been separated since he was 9 or 10 months old, too (I know...doesn't look good, does it?). Anyway, I don't want him growing up with the same questions and/or feelings.
I'm hoping there are some single parents out there that went through the same (or similar) situation that can help me out.
Thanks.
Her mom and I broke-up when she was only 9 or 10 months old. Both of us just always assumed that she would grow up knowing that she had two separate parents who loved her but just didn't live together. But as I learned this morning after talking to her mom, neither one of us ever had "the talk" about why we weren't together.
Last night, her mom and step-father (a great guy, by the way) had a 2+ hour talk with her on a great many things. One of the things that came up was that she was wondering why I left her...why I didn't love her...why did the two of us split up.
She actually just visited me for two weeks in March, so to hear that she said that she thought I didn't love her just KILLED me. I told her every day just how much I loved her and missed her. We even discussed the possiblities of her moving in with me during the summer.
The other thing she said was that "I have two fathers but neither one of them love me." Again...I was really shocked to hear this because I know her step-dad loves her very much, but there are now two younger sisters in that household that were born from their marriage so she doesn't think she is loved as much as the other two because she's not "his child". I know he tried to explain the difference between "step father" and "father" to her last night, but we're not sure if it truly sunk in. We all just assumed that she would grow up understanding...we never really considered her having questions as she grew older because she didn't know any other way.
Whew...that's a lot to process, I know.
So my question is really, at this point, how in the world can I explain to my daughter how much I love her? How do I explain the split with her mom? How do I explain the difference between "father" and "step father"?
I'm in a bit of a panic over the situation because this kind of came out of the blue. And now I've got a 2 1/2 year-old son with my ex-wife...and we've been separated since he was 9 or 10 months old, too (I know...doesn't look good, does it?). Anyway, I don't want him growing up with the same questions and/or feelings.
I'm hoping there are some single parents out there that went through the same (or similar) situation that can help me out.
Thanks.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by argonaut (Scott) on -
I don't have a whole lot of advice, but to say that this is fairly normal. Having been a foster parent I know that foster kids will often feel abandoned by their parents even though the parents had no choice in the matter.
It sounds like your ex and her husband will not try to break the bond between you and your daughter, so I think she will eventually settle these issues in her mind and it will work itself out.
Best of luck.
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Permalink Reply by Angel Christine on -
Wow, that is a lot for a little girl to be processing. It's possible (from a former girl's perspective) that she has been processing this for quite a while. It may have stemmed from something that happened a year, a month, a week ago and she's been keeping this to herself. If that is the case, it's much more intense and she's had a lot of time to get upset about it. One thing I want to say is that it IS very hard for a kid to feel your love so far away, but it's definitely doable. The other thing I would like to say is KUDOS to you, her mom AND step-father for taking the time to understand her and explain things on her level. It is fabulous the way you all are working together for the sake of the children. It sounds like you are all doing as much as you can for her. The only other thing that might help some is counseling. Where is Steve? He has a little girl and is a counselor and ALWAYS has the BEST advice in situations such as this! Jen would be another wonderful resource. She is fantastic when it comes to children's thoughts and divorce issues.
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Permalink Reply by Canadian Bald Guy on -
I appreciate the reply, Angel. I will continue to do whatever I can to make sure she knows that she's ALWAYS loved by me. And I think you're right...this has probably been festering for quite some time. I'm hopeful that we can take care of it now, though.
In reference to Steve and Jen, I'm absolutely open to ANY suggestions on how to make this situation better.
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Permalink Reply by Canadian Bald Guy on
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I very much appreciate the feedback, Jen. Thank you. :-)
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Permalink Reply by Angel Christine on
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Sorry, Jen, I know you're a counselor, I just forgot to put it into the post.
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Now I have that country song...."One hott mama" stuck in my head. Way to go you guys...way to go
And you missy....the only thing 'wrong' with you, is that you think there's something wrong with you. Knock it off. Leave your self doubt at the door girlie. What's the rush? Just let it roll mama~
xoxo
Well this explains SO much. I have no ass, or boobs. I got ripped the fu*k off
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