Implicit vs Explicit Reasoning w/ Your Child

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Permalink Reply by Pegasus on September 6, 2009 at 11:07pm

Ryan, welcome to this great little corner of the SP universe here. Fascinating subject you bring up here. In my case, the gameplan has been and is still to define boundaries explicitly and to address just about all other issues including core values and character development implicitly. So far I think it is working out very well and has created a very open line of communication between my 12 year old daughter and myself. I am fortunate in that Shay is a kid who innately tries to do the right thing and just needs guidance in refining her decision-making process. As much as implicit interaction works extremely well in our case, I am not certain that it would be as effective in a different situation where a kid was more apt to consistently push the boundary envelope. I guess even in that case if implicit reasoning helps maintain an open line of communication then that is a victory in itself.

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Permalink Reply by Jenny on December 7, 2009 at 11:47pm

Very insightful! Thanks for sharing! I have learned as well in my pursuit in parenting that natural consequence.. though painful at the time is so much more impacting.. our roles as parent's are not to Dictate but to inform, guide and encourage and of course love them through their choices and show them they have a place of acceptance no matter what. I cringe when I hear that parent's bail their children out of jail right away when the kid robbed a place.. really? what did they learn then? that my actions do not have consequences. Our jobs as parents is to raise our children into healthy ADULTS.. who out of free will and love choose to honor us (we hope for the best!) There is a right way to discipline (NOT ABUSE) our children when they are younger to help teach them right from wrong.. but then they do need to learn choices for their own. Its so sad how so many kids are just handed everything with no concept of earning something or feeling that great satisfaction of having a goal and sticking to it.. we focus so much on the external behavior of a child and neglect that its a sign of an inward need and a opportunity to instill value and character in our children. Do we as adults have to know these things to be strong and healthy and confident... "I don't get up and go to work today.. I do not get paid.. may lose my job.. cannot pay my bills etc.." that is just one example..I never withhold love from my child.. but love is so much more beyond giving them stuff... sometimes it is more of a love for my child if I do not give into him all the time as I see it may not be the best for him.. maybe I could love him better by spending time with him as opposed to buying him things? Or maybe letting him choose supper and help.. so MANY ways to guide children into better choices.. and the best way is when we are living examples of how rewarding good choices could be! (That one is the hardest) I have a friend who bribes her daughters to get them to do things.. "I will buy you new shoes if you stop crying" scarier yet.. she is a child development major!!! Makes complete sense.. why should we be surprised when our child screams when we are yelling all the time? No one is perfect and Lord knows how stressful it can be when its on the shoulders of one person.. but we should never stop growing as people and as parents.. if my son can see that "yes, mom made mistakes.. but she overcame them and is doing better now.." What a living testimony to what real life truly is!! wow! I love the insight Ryan!! I am a Special Education/Child Counselor major so it was enjoyable to read your post!! Keep on with the new insight!

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Permalink Reply by argonaut (Scott) on January 20, 2010 at 11:52pm

Yeah, I mean kids are such idiots. They would never use their own intellect to come to the conclusion, I am just going to mess the room up again anyway why should I clean it. Or, he is just telling me those things because he wants me to clean my room. It doesn't matter if I do something I know is not right all Dad will do is lecture me.(hint sarcasm)

Where is it written that you can't use both? Why is it always one or the other? I use both and I use force just as you do/did. What? I must be a terrible parent I used force. I will give you the same implicit reason I gave my daughters afterward. I love you too much to let you get ran over by a car. That's right. I used FORCE to keep my kids from deviating from my side when crossing streets and parking lots. I explicitly tell tell them they will not run and they will hold my hand. I implicitly tell them it is because I do not want them to get ran over because I love them. When they still refused even though I had used the supposedly magical implicit reasoning, I used force. I picked them up and carried them. I used the most powerful parenting tool of all consistency. Did they squirm and whine and cry because they did not want to be carried? Yes. After a short time they realized I would not budge and gave up and I did not have problems. I could be carrying two bags of groceries and tell my pre-school daughter to grab my belt loop and she would. While other parents toddlers would be 20ft in front/behind them and thier hands were empty. My kids are not resentful or traumatized because I used force.

Each child is different some all you have to is talk to them. Others, especially us boys, are not always so easy. Children throw tantrums, whine and/or are disobedient because it has either worked for them in the past or they think it will work for them now. That being said, if you are a totally unfair a$$ your teenager will most likely see this and rebel no matter what.

Curious when your toddler did not go to bed voluntarily did you force her? Or, let her stay up tell the wee hours of the morning? My advice to parents is very simple especially when it comes to toddlers. You know what is best for your child. That is why you are the parent and not the child. You know your child needs sleep. Put them to bed at a consistent time and consistently don't let them try to talk their way out of it and soon all will be well.

I have yet to find a teenager who can't "implicitly reason" an excuse for doing what they want. Never underestimate a humans ability to justify any course of action they want to take. Whether they be 4 or 94.

Life sucks sometimes we got do stuff because those are the rules; even if we think thier is no reason for the rule. Kids who don't learn that find that cops aren't afraid to use force.

By all means talk with and explain things with your children that is how they learn. My ten yr old says she likes being with me because we talk and I explain things to her. I never abdicate my parental responsibilities though.

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Permalink Reply by WhisperingWinds on January 21, 2010 at 4:05pm

As s parent I have done both. Given no choice, given choices and a lot of choices and reasoning is time and place.
Us older parents had little choices in food or clothes sometimes. I see some kids given so many choices so when they finally get told no it can be tough. I am all for the implicit thing. I used it a lot.

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