How do you get dates?

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Permalink Reply by Traci on November 22, 2008 at 12:36am

I find it hard too! Most people meet guys they work with and I don't work outstide of the home. I just say Become Friends with people through events and churches.

I was an organizer of this playgroup and boy it sure didn't have it's kick in it but i joined this other playgroup and I just go How does that Organizer get 11 ppl to show up when i could barely even get one to show up!

Well, I am having better luck with hosting a Women Social Group than i ever did with that playgroup proably because i'm the only one hosting it while there are many playgroups out here!

It's like sometimes i just wonder how come some 'gals can get guys so quickly ' there were already 2 mom's who suddenly had a bf after breaking up or divorcing their hubby .

I'm like What and feel like they are over exaggerating just to make themselves feel better. I'm a more careful approacher since of me having a son and being in a not what it seemed to be relationship with the guy who I thought i knew but became into someone different.

I have tried online dating - match sites i wrinkle my nose when i see unspecfied or listing as any type of a smoker going ewwwww .

My ex was supposedly a former smoker but I think he was still smoking when we were together! So I would say No to a Former Smoker because just like my uncle who was not smoking for 6 yrs started up right after his divorce because he cheated on his wife!

I haven't had any dates either and I definetly do not want to be single as long as my mom was . I'm not gonna be searching for something to just fill my loniless but just hoping to get something more like a better relationship than i had with my ex. more communication, honest, respectful, loving and caring - those people are hard to find . it's like you either have to go bump into someone saying i'm sorry or no it was my fault.

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Permalink Reply by PT-LawMom on November 22, 2008 at 8:23am

I'd say get out there and try new things. Church, volunteer groups, etc. And don't be afraid to ask a guy out, even if you have to go the "shy girl" way and just send a "Want to have drinks sometime?" text or e-mail. It's hard with kids. I think dating single dads is easier because they get it and because, since usually mothers have more custodial time, it's easier to schedule with them. Oh and I have met some decent guys (at least for friends or FWB) through online dating, but it's really a crapshoot. Good luck!!!

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Permalink Reply by JustPeachy on November 23, 2008 at 11:34am

It's very hard to meet guys when you live in suburbia, have 2 kids, work full time, and have the kids all but one or two nights a month. Ask me, I know! LOL! Too, it's hard to put yourself out there when your confidence has been damaged by a failed marriage and the need to build yourself back up.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about this for the last couple of months...and I've fallen into an email/history/distance email dating "thing". If nothing else, it has shown me that I want and need to develop a loving relationship for myself.

How to start? I don't have the time to join something new, give more of myself, or even take the time out from my kids to take dates. There's got to be a compromise somewhere -- and I did try the online thing but wasn't able to find a comfort level with "blind" dating.

If anyone finds THE solution, I'll forever be your friend if you share it here! Right now, recognizing that we need to put ourselves out there is one key...finding the confidence to do it is another.

good luck and love to all...someday we'll all find it again.

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Permalink Reply by Tara on November 30, 2008 at 12:54pm

I completely agree with Scott. Get involed in activities and community groups.

To give you a little background, I dated a guy for 10 months who was very uncomfortable dating me because I have a child. We agreed that it was only going to be a "fling" and nothing more. Well, he fell in love with me and I grew to care about him. When my daughter went to stay with her dad for the summer, he had me all to himself. When she came back, he suggested we do something all together. After that weekend, he told me via text message that he couldn't do it. That he is never going to change and that he wished my daughter could just stay with her dad. I was livid. Not because he hurt my feelings, but because he made me incorporate him in my daughter's life and now he was backing out. I had to explain to my daughter that we just didn't agree on some very important issues so he wouldn't be coming around anymore.

Since then, I have tried internet dating. Met some really nice people, and some people that don't want anything to do with a single mom. They claim that it's too complicated; that they don't want to deal with the other parent; that they will never come first; etc.

Dating is very hard as a single parent. You pretty much have to date another single parent so you are both on the same page.

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Permalink Reply by Rich on December 6, 2008 at 9:12pm

I feel the same way, how and where do you meet someone, if even just to become friends to talk or vent with, especially when all of my friends are married? During my marriage, my ex began going out to bars and completely seperated herself from our marriage, becoming friends with divorced women. So when she moved out, she already had a posse of friends to hang with outside our married crowd of friends. Unless it is the husbands getting together to watch a game, I feel like I am going to have to branch out and find a whole new group of single friends, so I have something to do the few days or few hours I don't have my kids. My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, but I feel guilty leaving them home alone just because their mom doesn't make more of an effort to spend time with them.

I have been making an effort to go to more work related seminars and conferences to meet people, we'll see if I can get network for work and dates!

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Permalink Reply by Dave on December 7, 2008 at 10:52am

I think where you find a date depends on what the goals are. I've had some good things come from bars, my gym, and match.com. I look at bars as quick gratification, social settings like gyms as similar to bars with the potential for something more serious, and I use the online thing only for dating women I think there could be something more long-term with. I saw a few posts here that sound a bit down on online dating, but I've actually enjoyed it. Of course, of a few dozen women I've decided to exchange emails with, I've only offered to take 2 of them out. But in both cases, they were great ladies that I enjoyed being with for extended periods (currently still dating the 2nd one). I just think you should be pretty selective and not take whatever comes your way. That's the point of online dating, right? To find people you feel confident you can connect with before you ever meet them?

I do agree with the approach of getting out and getting involved, but try to find things that you have a real, genuine interest in, not because you think you might find a date there.

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Permalink Reply by Scott on December 10, 2008 at 3:33pm

I started dating someone about 2 weeks ago. I met her through a buddy - she's his roommate. I hung out with them a few times and then she flirted and the next thing I know she's dropped flirting in favor of being direct and blunt. That's nice, 'cause otherwise the flirting would've just gone on forever until she decided I was either uninterested or romantically retarded.

Anyway... networking. Make friends who you're not going to date (like, same-gender friends for those who aren't same-sex attracted). Then meet their friends.

And date them. :)

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Permalink Reply by uomeasmile (Kim) on January 6, 2009 at 7:09pm

I love your advice Scott. Find a really good group of women to hang with! I could not make it without my girlfriends (I mean that in a non-sexual way). But having friends of the same gender opens you up to people in their lives. Chances are if you have good girlfriends, they are going to know guys with similar values and interests. Not only that, if you can find a few really good girlfriends, they will steer you in the right direction, tell you the truth (even when you might not want to hear it), and will always be there when you need a good laugh or cry. And just from my experience, if you go out with a few women and are having a genuinely good time, men seem to flock around.

Also, choose a night to go out and spend some time alone preparing. Wear a beautiful bra and matching panties -- even if no one will see them, it will give you a sexy confidence. Take a bubble bath and spend time on your make-up. Not necessarily for a guy, but you will exude confidence.

Also, don't feel rushed. Know that you are a strong, beautiful, kind-spirited person. You deserve a *great* guy, so take your time in finding him.

I'm not anywhere near dating, so I'm probably not the best one to give advice. But I will say that I gave up a lot of my identity in my marriage. I find it empowering to find myself again. It is easy to lose yourself in the identities of mother, wife, girlfriend, etc. Search your soul and find your passions. I'm enjoying my alone time and rediscovering things I gave up. Find peace in aloneness, if possible, and then let the universe work out the details.

Enjoy the journey,
Kim

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Permalink Reply by Alissa on January 6, 2009 at 2:30pm

I'm in the same boat but I feel I've lost myself and would not be interesting to a guy. If he asked me what I did last week I could tell him it's all related to my son from the last book I read to the last movie I've seen. I don't have time to stay up to date with the latest movie, song, band, TV program, book, event that I would have an interest in or once had an interest.

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Permalink Reply by Scott on January 6, 2009 at 3:40pm

I don't know what my girlfriend's favorite movies are, her favorite TV programs, or books, or events. She is bigtime into music & bands, so I know all about those... but I didn't when I fell in love with her.

I got to know *her*. Not her interests or hobbies. Her personality, and her thoughts, and her opinions, and her emotions. That's what's valuable. You have a personality, and thoughts, and opinions, and emotions. Getting to know someone who values these things is important. Getting to know someone who's looking for an image probably isn't a good idea for you; you're a single mom who doesn't have time to maintain an image.

Any guy I've ever known who was worth being with was far less interested in image than he was in the real person inside. Lots of women make it a priority to be beautiful and desireable. They often attract guys who are looking for that. If you don't want to do that, or don't have time to do that, then don't worry about it. Just meet some people and make some friends and be yourself. :)

I refer my shallow male friends to my gorgeous female friends. They usually hit it off. But when I am referring a really worthwhile guy friend, I don't pay any attention to what the girl *looks* like or how "fun" she is or whether most guys are impressed/entranced by her. It's what she's like on the inside that determines whether or not I refer her to one of the ultra-rare really decent guys that I know.

So my advice is to be comfortable with who you are on the inside, and seek to make more friends, and get to know lots of guys. Eventually you'll run across a decent one... but you won't know until you get to know him.

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Permalink Reply by Scott on January 6, 2009 at 2:49pm

Simple:

Be confident. Be yourself.

When you see someone you're attracted to, check for a wedding ring, if none, then ask them out.

Easy.

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Permalink Reply by Chanel on January 6, 2009 at 3:10pm

CONFIDENCE IS KEY. LAUGH AT YOURSELF AND JUST ASK THEM OUT...PLAIN AND SIMPLE. DON'T BEAT AROUND THE BUSH!

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