Child Support ( Yes - No - Maybe ? )

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Permalink Reply by Rebekah on December 1, 2008 at 7:14pm

I raised my oldest two without child support, and years later when I married my 2nd husband we struggled and did without many times while he paid child support to HIS ex - which I supported and encouraged. It was so hard for me without it that I wasn't willing to allow another mom to go through what I did. Here's the kicker - my 2nd hubby paid WILLINGLY - there was no formal support order ever established. That was his CHILD, and he wanted her to have what she needed!

The reward comes now - my oldest are all grown up (very well) and learned the value of a dollar and are successfully supporting themselves, AND my 2nd hubby (now my 2nd EX hubby) is faithful and religious - AND GENEROUS in his voluntary payment of child support with my younger three because he knows what I went through before...

Like you Steve, I am grateful for the opportunity I got to learn that I COULD do it by myself WITHOUT child support. YES it was incredibly tough - but I DID IT. And my kids KNOW I did and think it's great!

I believe people should voluntarily take repsonsibility for their children - but unfortunately that perfect world doesn't exist. The next choice would be to sit down as mature adults and work it out responsibly. The courts tend to favor couples that agree on how custody and child support should work and will likely grant you what you both ask for - what is fair. If that fails get a court order - THEN learn to do it in your own anyway because there are just as many ways to 'beat' the system as there are laws to 'force' child support...my 1st ex mastered them all - for my TWO and his OTHER SIX children.....

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Permalink Reply by Debra on December 1, 2008 at 7:22pm

I have custody of my kids 100% of the time. I initially filed for child support when my younger daughter was six weeks old because I suspected my kids' father was cheating and I knew it was just a matter of time before he got someone else pregnant. I wanted to have a legal arrangement in place to ensure my kids were provided for regardless of his bad decisions. I declined $12,000 in back child support and agreed to take less than the amount the state calculated because I still had hope at the time that he and I could still keep our family together. Sadly my prediction came true less than a year after I filed and he did conceive a child with someone else.

Fast forward four years and past a lot of drama to the present.

I filed for an increase over a year ago. He hasn't responded to any letters, shown up for any court dates, and has been hiding from the process server to avoid getting the papers served on him. Since he is paying some child support (even though it is less than half of what he should be and is capable of paying) the court doesn't seem to be all that motivated to really go after him. He doesn't pay child support for his other child because the mother is on welfare and doesn't want her payments cut. So she extorts whatever amount she sees fit whenever she sees fit -and gets it- based on the threat of her filing on him if he doesn't pay up.

Meanwhile I am scrambling and scraping to keep my kids fed and clothed- and at one time literally 90% of my salary was going to daycare. I had to live with my parents.

But I know I'm getting the best part of the deal.

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Permalink Reply by Erich on December 1, 2008 at 8:20pm

"Meanwhile I am scrambling and scraping to keep my kids fed and clothed- and at one time literally 90% of my salary was going to daycare. I had to live with my parents."

I hear that!

Mine isn't that bad but it is a balance to get the numbers right. The more you work the more daycare you need and the more you pay. Wow. That sounds like taxes again.

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Permalink Reply by Jordan on December 1, 2008 at 8:29pm

I also chose not to go after child support because I didn't want any ties to the other parent. It's hard and powerful -- to know that I am raising my daughter 24/7 and supporting us by myself.

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Permalink Reply by PT-LawMom on December 1, 2008 at 8:44pm

I think you ask and, if she doesn't do it willingly, you force. She is equally responsible for the life of that child and should support it accordingly, regardless of visitation.

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Permalink Reply by Gabi on December 2, 2008 at 1:20pm

I absolutely agree about spending habits. I see people spending CS irresponsibly too and it drives me nuts. I do think parents who receive support should be required to show how it is spent. I would have no issue doing that if I was asked but I know alot of people who would!!

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Permalink Reply by Wendee on December 2, 2008 at 3:51pm

My ex has been hiding out from everyone, me, the IRS, creditors, etc. You can't force anyone to pay, but it does make their life more difficult. He recently met another woman who is "in Love" with him... she did some homework, found me, and after I told her where to look for answers (records, people to ask, etc), she promptly went back to him and is supposedly trying to get him to work on his issues. One can only hope it will work!
$28,000 in back CS, unpaid tickets, warrants for DUI and failure to pay CS, as well as a few shady creditors looking for payment. I have never expected anything from him, since the day he walked out the door, except for a few phone calls and long distance love for his kids.
Personally, I can't see how someone who made these children in love, marriage, and took care of them for the first couple years of their lives can't even put forth the effort to send a birthday or Christmas card. Yes, money would be nice -- I'm only saved by the generosity of my parents, who pay my rent and help out immensely with before & after school care.
It is unbelievable to me that there should be so many deadbeats out there (men & women) who can't understand the simple needs these little people have. I would be happy to show my ex receipts for child care, groceries, etc. If I didn't need the money, I would put it in college funds. Our children are the most important thing we have; they are our legacy and our future.

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Permalink Reply by L on December 3, 2008 at 4:46pm

I take responsibility for my choice to have my daughter. He does not. He said he had no say in the matter. I say he had a say when the two of us had sex. I filed the paperwork. So his wages are garnished a bit. We negotiated it down a little. But seriously. He is an adult and should take responsibility for his sexual activity. I did. besides I have rent (in a decent, not upscale) neighborhood, pay lots for day care and have a car payment (my old car was totaled). i have No extravagances. i have not seen a movie in four years. i do not buy books, alcohol or go out to eat ever. we don't even have internet at home. i have only my cell, no land line. we live simply.
BUt....
I won though. I have a gorgeous daughter who is amazing. and he has chosen to not take part in her life. His loss for ignoring that she exists.
I have very few hard feelings for him. I feel a bit of pity, for knowing what he is missing out on. I feel bad that he is basically a teenage boy in a man's body.
life goes on.

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Permalink Reply by Traci on December 4, 2008 at 10:33am

in ways I'm lucky i have a disability because I get disabilty benefits otherwise i would have had to work many jobs !

His father does send the money willingly so I say to myself just be happy he does that part

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Permalink Reply by Gabi on December 4, 2008 at 11:41am

Gotta love that.....he had no say...HA! Uh huh....whatever dude!!! If you're gonna have sex...you deal with the ramifications of it whether it's negative or positive for your life. So if he'd gotten an STD would he say he had no choice? Come on...he could have said no.

My ex has said the same thing here and there....wishing I had considered an abortion since we were soooo young when I got pregnant. But my life would be very different if I had and my kids have made me who I am....so I'm happy with the decision we made.

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