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Perspectives

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If you look back on your marriage/partnership, how do you see your role in the breakup? I was listening to some men talk at my divorce recovery group about how they beat themselves up for being bad husbands. I guess I wonder how differently you and your former spouse/partner would describe the reasons for your breakup. I know I'm clear that I left the Dr. Jekyl part of my ex-husband who was jealous, controlling and angry and that I was sad to leave the funny, sweet, tenderhearted, good Dad, sexy Mr. Hyde part. He would probably say that we divorced because we grew apart and I didn't want a man like him (he's wicked insecure) or that I wanted something better. Not true, I just wanted him to feel secure enough in our love and partnership to allow me to have friends or travel for business. After 8 years of trying to change him (or me), I realized that is impossible. He still can't see the forest for the trees and thinks I either left him for some other man (hahahaha) or for my job. That's sad. I hope for his sake that he can get help to see the reality.

How about you? How clear are you on the REAL reasons for your divorce/breakup? Is your former spouse/partner living in an alternate universe?

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Permalink Reply by Sabrina on October 6, 2008 at 9:47am: I know clearly what was the reason. My ex choose the "street" life over his family. I had sat back with a blind eye for several months to his "illegal" way of making money. Just before my son was born I gave him the ultimatum that is was either the streets or me. We are no longer married, so you know that choice me made. As far as I know he is no longer "selling" but he is still not on the up and up.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Scott on October 6, 2008 at 11:25am: I've never met anyone who was divorced and wasn't nearly equally responsible for it, personally. Almost every divorcee I've ever known has insisted quite vehemently that the other spouse was primarily at fault, but I've never really been convinced of that. I know it does happen... when there's abuse, or infidelity, or something like that. But in general I believe that despite our earnest efforts to lay the blame on the other person, we're all pretty aware (deep down) that we contributed to the breakup.

I am glad that my ex-wife and I both feel like we gave it our all. We both grew an amazing amount and we're both *much* better people and partners than we were when we married.

Despite that, our marriage wasn't able to survive our own personal challenges. I can list out precisely what her faults are: I recited them to friends, therapists, and myself all the time. I can also list out approximately what her list of problems was with me: I heard those all the time as well. Even her complaints that I don't fully validate, I can certainly acknowledge as being deeply impactful to her.

I believe that we both did all we could, yet I also believe that we could have made it through somehow. I don't know how, but I don't believe that either of us was flawed deeply enough to make our relationship impossible.

I've often pondered (hypothetically) reconciliation. Not as a goal, or even as something I want, but simply as a "what-if?" scenario. I think that we'd quickly become miserable. We're too sensitive to one another's traits & faults. We have too much resentment and frustration from years of pain & strife. I sometimes see one of her traits in another person and I'm often amazed by how powerfully I react to that.

After my first divorce I married someone with almost completely opposite traits... and now I've divorced her as well. I'm rapidly overloading on traits to avoid in a potential partner. :) Combined with lots of incredibly insightful marriage therapy I've come to believe that the primary problems in my relationship are more contingent on me rather than my ex-spouses. That's a big part of avoiding dating for nigh-unto two years now.

But now I'm feeling like I'm ready to date again... which frankly scares me.

I'd rather just find a good friend who wants laid occasionally. :) Lots less stress in that. But I don't really think that's a realistic solution, either... I tend to fall in love with the woman I'm sleeping with. Plus they tend to get pregnant.

Anyway, my perspective is that I was at least equally responsible for the breakup. And, she was at least equally responsible for the breakup. I can't really break it down any further than that. *shrug*; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by JustPeachy on October 7, 2008 at 7:21am: What a wonderfully mature response. I would love to get to this point with my ex, or have him get to this point (depending on the perspective - lol). Food for thought...; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Steve on October 11, 2008 at 10:23pm: I believe I'm mainly to blame for the end of my marriage. But I have to agree with Scott, relationships are a two way street and in most cases each party needs to be able to look at themselves. Way to go Scott!!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Scott on October 6, 2008 at 11:26am: See, that's one of the cases where one partner made choices that ended things. It's always so sad and depressing to see this happen. I'm sorry so many of us men are pigs.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Scott on October 6, 2008 at 11:29am: Oy, sounds like the three replies above fit into the "one spouse made critical choices that ended things." Sleeping around, drinking around, and being a felon are some pretty big deal-breakers. At least, if there aren't maintained efforts to change.

I'm sorry that so many of us men are pigs. :(; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Scott on October 6, 2008 at 11:30am: Um... I tried to delete my first response ('cause I meant it to just one post rather than the whole thread) but apparently I can't edit or delete posts. Sorry about that.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Traci on October 6, 2008 at 1:53pm: My ex thinks it was just over a 2 bdrm apartment! That was Only One of the reasons but there are plenty more !!!!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by mike on October 6, 2008 at 7:05pm: I dont know what my ex thinks why I filled for divorce but I was tired of not being happy in our marriage. we both got into drugs pretty heavy I wasnt happy comming home but I had to. I had no where else to go if I didnt go home and I would miss my kids an awful lot too. I wasnt happy comming home to be a single parent (I would come home and put everything on me I would have to make dinner and clean up after the kids and get the kids ready for bed) and to someone who didnt care about me. I would get the dirtyest looks when I came home and I was tired from work and fell asleep on the couch watching the kids and tv. All this time she had been spying on me trying to find evidence of me cheating on her. I never did but she got it in her mind that I was. I was never good at confrontation and she took advantage of that she would make me feel bad when it wasnt my fault so I would have to change what I was doing. She had me to a point where I couldnt get to know anyone else. when I left her it was after we moved back to AZ where I at least knew somebody where I could stay. When I left it was the final straw I just couldnt live the way we were living she wanted to continue. I left for about 4mo I came back for about a month and she said she wanted to work things out but her actions showed me that she didnt she was living with anouther guy and took the kids for about three days and sent them to her aunts house which she didnt call or go see her kids for three weeks. that told me that the kids were not her priority and getting back together with me was just a ploy to get me to come back down to mess with me. I came back to colorado and filled for divorce before she could. It took about 4 months for my lawyer to find her to serve her during this time she contacted me mabey three times to ask me to come back down there we would have long conversations and things would look up but in the back of my mind I knew that she was lieing to me to come back down so that she could take advantage of me again. And she wouldnt dissapoint me by not putting out any effort to work things out I would start getting things ready on my part so I would call her or text her to let her know that I got started getting things all set up to move back and she wouldnt answer for two weeks. So when she found out that we were divorced she was mad at me because I didnt stop it. It would have been up to her but she chose to not pay any attention to paperwork that was sent her way she didnt fight the divorce at all except to me over the phone. even one time we had a court date that we both had to be there for over the phone. and she knew that something had to happen that day and she talked with me an hour earlyer and she asked me to find out for her what she needed to do. an hour later the courts tried calling her for the court date and she didnt answer she called me up later that day and asked why I didnt stop it to wait for her and if we could do a do over on the court date. I knew that she had no intentions to stopping the divorce at that time. no effort to save our marriage was when I knew I couldnt go back and no effort to be with the kids was anouther sign to me that she was done. she says that she hasnt done drugs since Dec when she was "soo sad" but I am still in contact with good friends down there that I trust and she has been twacked out of her mind almost every day. the kids dont need that in their lives so here are my reasons for divorce drug use, cheating on me, and total lack of effort.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Tia Peterson on October 6, 2008 at 7:12pm: Me: I'm pretty clear on the role we both played in the breakup - which is that neither of us considered each other's best interests.

Him: He's still living in dreamworld (aka, "she just doesn't understand my life"), but I trust that his understanding will come in time.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Wendee on October 6, 2008 at 8:08pm: My ex has always lived in an alternate universe, and for a while, I thought I could help him come back to the real world. Like some of the others below, he chose alcohol & drugs over his family. I'm sure that there are some things I could have done to make the transition from being single-partying to married-parenting easier... like not have had kids with him at all.... But it all happened for a reason, and I have very few regrets.
There's always two sides to every story, some are obviously a little more far-fetched or believable than others. We here, on this site, are obviously the ones that have the best side of the story. ;); ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Debra on October 6, 2008 at 8:34pm: Well looking at my situation through the lens of "he said, she said, and what really happened", I would say it was a 60/40 split.
20% his fault for cheating, beginning during my first pregnancy. I stayed in the relationship but left town.
40% my fault for refusing to forgive, forget, come back to town and move in with him and his mother. According to him I left him alone, never mind that I was equally alone where I was and going through my second pregnancy by that time (don't ask), so that gave him perfect justification for another 20%- to take up with a neighborhood girl and get her pregnant. Twice.
The third 20% goes to him because I still stayed and tried to work it out,moving back to town into our own place. When I objected to discovering that he was in fact trying to juggle both his baby mamas and keep it a secret from one of us, I finally decided that was my cue and bowed out of the relationship for good. He objected to that and showed me by attacking me, causing me to break my hand on his head getting away from him.
I don't know what his version of events would say, but I think the facts speak for themselves! :); ▶ Reply to This