Bullying-have any of you had to deal with this yourself or your kids?

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Permalink Reply by Jordan on October 5, 2008 at 6:38pm

From the limited experience I do have, I don't hesitate to reprimand that little sh*t at the playground. Generally, their parent isn't even paying attention (hence the kids opportunity to be a turd). It always goes smooth. I love giving that stare. And afterwords, guilt isn't there. Sweet defense of my little ones.

As far as being bullied at school, that will be a hard one to handle. Maybe I'll hide in the bushes outside until I can "deal" with the issue ;)

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Permalink Reply by Janet on October 5, 2008 at 9:52pm

It's funny-I've heard other parents complain that other people correct their kids. I'm always like-well, were you correcting them? I'd say no if a perfect stranger has to. I have noticed at most of the parks in Portland it seems like the parents sit down and don't pay any attention to what their kids are doing. I'm in there playing too so I know what's going on.
Now that my son is in 3rd grade, I'm careful to ask him about what happened in the day. I've asked him if kids pick on him. He's small for his age and a few kids have said things to him. He's pretty sure of himself so I think he would not be afraid to stand up for himself. If I find that it has happened, I will be sure to contact the parent. Scary to think about-esp if we aren't there.

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Permalink Reply by Angel Christine on October 6, 2008 at 7:21am

I was raised in very poor areas through Texas. I was always the little, weak, white girl. Yes, I got bullied a lot. I learned to become "invisible" so as not to attract negative attention. My daughter hasn't had much of a problem yet, but when she does I will struggle with getting involved. I mean, I don't want my daughter to get hurt, but on the other hand, I can't always be around and she needs to learn how to deal with difficult situations. Bullying sucks. In our schools, they are very tough on bullies and even have "Bully Education Week" and things of that nature.
Angel

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Permalink Reply by Kent on October 6, 2008 at 7:33am

Bullies focus on the kids they see as weak and lacking confidence, the one's that won't fight back. If your kid is being bullied, enroll them in karate or boxing classes. It will not only teach them discipline and confidence (which will keep them from becoming bullies themselves), but they'll know how to defend themselves and it will keep them in good shape.

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Permalink Reply by Scott on October 6, 2008 at 1:05pm

I went through pretty tramatic bullying as a kid. I was a nerd and I was socially inept. Plus I was educated and shy in a town where Basketball and Rodeo were the primary defining male activities. I got shoved around all the time.

I remember being deeply tramatized by two experiences as a grade-school kid. Both of them changed my psyche pretty heavily and they've impacted me for the rest of my life. I still struggle to counterbalance the effects of the childhood trauma in my adult life.

When I was 10 or 11 a group of boys (led by the local bully) accosted me in the street as I walked home after school. The leader was trying to get me to cry, or run away, or something that they could taunt and make fun of and feel tough about. But I was stubborn more than I was terrified, so I just shut up and refused to react at all.

He had his buddies surround me and he kept taunting and shoving and threatening. He finally pushed me down and kept shoving me back down when I'd try to stand, so I hugged my knees and sat there. I was detaching myself from the situation, and finding a "safe place" inside where neither words nor fists nor kicks could reach me. I became semi-catatonic... I wasn't really in a place where anything could hurt me anymore.

I don't know how long it lasted... seemed like hours but it couldn't have been more than 5 or 10 minutes. The bully's younger sister happened along and saw him tormenting me. Man, she went *off* on him. She'd learned how to fight back against it, and she was furious with him at doing that to someone else. She basically humiliated him in front of his friends until he led them away. Then she tried to see if I was okay. I was all walled up, plus I was horrified that a *girl* had seen my humilation. I still feel bad that I didn't respond or thank her or anything. She tried to reach me... she offered me a piece of chewing gum from her backpack. I was finally able to nod in acceptance of it... anything more and I would've busted into tears. She was all confused and sad, and didn't know what to do, so she left. When she was gone I walked home. I kept the piece of gum for years, though. I really wish I could find her and tell her just how much her intercession meant to me.

A few years later I was at a scout camp with my only friend, Joseph. We were in our own tent, a fair distance from the other boys' tents 'cause we were the outcast nerds. But we were fine with that; it was just the way things were, and we'd had a great time at camp.

They were staying up late, drinking Mountain Dew and playing music from a battery-powered boombox, and being loud & obnoxious. The scout leaders had their own camp some distance away, and they'd long since retired. Joseph and I were talking and giggling quietly and trying to get to sleep past the loudness of the other boys.

They decided to come mess with us. They kicked the pegs out of the ground so that our tent collapsed on us, and they were trying to get us to cry or fight or something... they just wanted a reaction. I hissed to Joseph to just stay still and they'd go away. They didn't.

They dragged us out by the sleeping bags. I was holding my bag fiercely, keeping it closed with me inside of it. Joseph climbed out of his... he was in flight vs. fight mode, and he picked fight. But he was small & nerdy like me, and they just shoved him around until he left. I felt abandoned (but I realized later he'd gone to get a scout leader) and I put myself back into a "safe place". I determined that I wasn't going to come back no matter what... even if they kicked me or something like that. I figured that they could break my body but I could keep them from hurting the part of me that really mattered. I was worried that they'd throw me in the lake, though... at that point I'd *have* to come back to my body or else I'd drown.

Instead they pulled my sleeping bag off of me. I held as tightly as I could but they smashed at my hands with their fists until they pulled it loose, and stripped it away. I curled up in the fetal position to protect my vulnerable parts, with my hands clasped behind my neck. I determined that I wouldn't move no matter what.

They pushed and poked at me for a while, getting more and more angry at my lack of response. I read somewhere that you'll see the worst of a society by looking in its prisons and in its gradeschools, and I agree completely.

Even at the time, I knew that they were just kids with a mob mentality. They weren't actually mean, or bad... in a way they were as distant from their bodies as I was. I don't hate 'em, and I didn't even hate 'em then. Still sucked, though.

Then one of them said that if I didn't stand up he was going to pee on me. That was worse than the lake; in the lake at least I had the excuse of "I'd die if I didn't act." That really tested my determination to not move. It also sealed me into my "safe place" as an escape. I've still not found out how to unlearn the conviction that I discovered in that moment of trauma.

So, warm liquid splashed down across my face and upper body. When I didn't react to that, the boys were perplexed, and I'm sure that most of them were realizing that they really did not want to be involved in what they were doing... and they hadn't wanted to be involved for quite a while.

That was when Mr. Park came up. He happened to be one of my adopted father-figures... he is an incredible man who has raised 7 or 8 incredible kids. He knelt by me and began to check me for damage (he was an Emergency Medical Technician). I stayed rigid; kindness at that point was even more tramatizing than cruelty.

Ever seen the movie about Don Quixote? There's a scene where Dulcinea/Aldonza is raped by the roughnecks and Don Quixote finds her and tries to comfort her. I always bawl like I've lost a kid during her song at that part:
Of all the cruel bastards
Who've badgered and battered me,
You are the cruelest of all!
Can't you see what your gentle
Insanities do to me?
Rob me of anger and give me despair! Blows and abuse
I can take and give back again,
Tenderness I cannot bear!

Anyway, as Mr. Park lifted my head onto my lap one of the silent & apologetic scouts nearby said, "There's something wrong with him." I don't think Mr. Park intended me to hear his whispered response, but I caught it, "There's something wrong with YOU." I realized then in a sudden rush that they were just being mean, I was just some kid who'd been unlucky enough to draw out the bully in them, and he was on my side. It almost broke me... I'm sure I convulsed a bit, though I didn't make an actual sound.

He sent them away and just quietly stroked my hair for a few minutes. I eventually realized that I couldn't just lay there forever, so I quietly began to unfold from the fetal position. I remember being surprised at how sore I was: I'd been clenching every muscle I had, though I didn't realize it. He didn't try to talk or anything... he was a man of remarkable insight. He silently helped Joseph and I to set our tents back up and get our sleeping bags back inside. Then he went and talked quietly to the other scouts for a while. I don't know what was said, but I know that he wasn't loud nor angry, which says a lot for his character. That would've let them feel like victims, and that wouldn't help 'em accept or learn from what they'd participated in.

I found out later that the "pee" was just warm water from a canteen. Didn't really matter; the trauma took place while I believed it to be urine.

So, those were my Two Big Traumas. :) I've shared them several times, worked through them, and had strong validation that I was a victimized kid who is deserving of compassion and sympathy. That all helps; I believe that I've gotten through and past the actual trauma from the events.

The part that remains with me and still impacts me is the level of isolation and detachment I learned how to quickly adopt. Out of desperation I broke something inside myself that is not easily healed, and that affects me.

My wife had a very abusive father and despite her earnest efforts she retains many of his traits. When she would rage at me I'd often snap back into the Victim Child place, and I'd try hard to fight against the compulsion to detach and isolate. I'd also react *way* out of proportion to the stimulus she provided. I am scared of bullying today, but only because I fear that if I snapped and fought back, I'd be fighting from that detached place, and I'm terrified what a person can do when they're completely isolated from their emotions.

I've never struck anyone in anger, and I don't spank my kids... I got a lot of benefit from my bullying as well as the trauma.

I've told my kids that I would much rather have them be bullied than ever have them bully another child. I think that the bully suffers more trauma and impact than the bullied kid does except in extreme cases.

When my kids are bullied I try to help them find appropriate reactions. I also try to help them empathize with the bully: he's probably experiencing at least as much of that in his own home. Most bullies stem from abusive parents. So when the "normal" bullying happens to them it's a chance for us to grow and learn and work through it together.

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Permalink Reply by Scott on October 6, 2008 at 1:11pm

I totally step in when kids are being bullied, whether it's my kids or not. I don't use physical intervention... that's almost never necessary. Plus, it lets the bully feel like a victim as an escape. And of course, you risk legal action in today's world if you touch another person's child.

But a single sharp, "Hey!" will get attention. Then I walk forward and crouch... don't loom at bullies. They're bullies because they've been bullied, almost always.

Then I point out what they're doing, because they generally just don't get it. "You are hurting his feelings and making him feel really sad. People aren't allowed to hurt other people. If adults do that they go to jail. I'd like to talk to your parent or teacher... where are they?"

Ask most kids where their parents are and they make an excuse and they bolt. That's fine; I've given them something to think about and I've stopped the behavior.

Then I stay kneeling and I ask the hurt kid if they're okay. The answer is inevitably a sniffling nod. I tell them I'm sorry that the other kid was mean and I let them know that I think they're brave.

The thing I hate more than anything is watching a parent bully their own kid. *That* is something I've not found a way to address without making it worse. A parent who's called out for doing that typically feels lousy... and takes it out on their kid either immediately or later. Plus they typically respond with rage.

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Permalink Reply by Traci on October 6, 2008 at 2:18pm

I was bullied all my life from later on grade school in proably 4th grade and stopped slightly in junior year. It was heavy on picking, making fun and I even told teachers about it -they just ignored it because even some of the highschool teachers i had were bullies besides & so insenstive!

I'm also the Ms. Scapegoat of my family!

So far my boy is quite a smart little guy but has issues with socialness but if he's with friends I said to him just because Other people are acting Mean to a kid you do not do that just because you think it's fun to fit in it hurts people!

So in ways sometimes kids say they don't want to play with him in our apartment playground and I give them a big fat lecture about it..

I even had to stand up for my son in front of my family I said My Son is Very Senstive So Stop Picking On Him and Shut UP I almost added the F-word in there but didn't because I caught myself.

I don't like to be the scapegoat of my family but I do want to make sure just because my son is from Me! You are Not gonna be scapegoating Him @ All!

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