How Did You Become a Single Parent?

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Permalink Reply by Melanie on February 22, 2009 at 10:49pm

Hi,

I’m Melanie, and my son Cameron just turned three. We live in Vancouver, BC, where I work as the laboratory manager for a prominent biomedical research facility. Thought I’d join up, and introduce myself here! Though it seems a little odd to say “Hi,” and then spew this story, what the heck. Here goes:

I had a very unhealthy and unhappy relationship with my son’s father. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, manipulative, childish, and nasty, and it still perplexes my family and myself as to why I stayed with him as long as I did. He seemed to be doing his best to squash every bit of what makes me me. The good news is that we weren’t married, and did not live together. The doctors and midwives at the hospital kept me and Cameron there for extra days as they weren’t comfortable (and neither was I) with sending me home with the father alone.

It still took six more months before I found the strength to break up with him. I ‘saw the light’ after an hour long public berating about how stupid I was and how nobody at work wanted to tell me that I didn’t know what I was doing and shouldn’t be there. Yeah. The stupidest person in a lab is not the person who spearheads a project that alters the lab’s research focus for years to come, and not someone whose published research is called ‘elegant’ by the top researchers in the field. I also have to say that he knows very little of that field, hadn’t been in a lab in a decade, and I have more education than he does. Just a few days later, Cameron and I went to visit my aunt for three weeks, and when I got back I ended the relationship.

The relief was amazing. I barely managed to camouflage a giggle as a sob.

Cameron’s father stuck around for a little while, and continued to try to manipulate and bully me. He brought Cameron home after one visit at ten months and said that Cameron might be drunk, he liked whiskey and so he had to keep giving it to him. He threatened to abduct our son if I got him adequate medical attention for asthma. After that last one he disappeared for almost two months.

Things escalated with our fighting around Cameron’s first birthday, when I told his dad that I wanted sole custody. A month later, on Valentine’s day, I got an email from his dad saying he wouldn’t be visiting any more.

I haven’t heard from him since.

I won sole custody and guardianship through the courts. The father didn’t even show up. I didn’t ask for child support, as I’d far rather the dad stay gone then come back into Cameron’s life to get his money’s worth. If he ever tries to return, I’ll do the support thing then.

Cameron and I have a fabulous life, though it’s sometimes overwhelming and often tiring. We spend our weekends in the wintertime playing at the aquarium and science world, drop-in playgyms, and playgrounds. In the summer we’ll hike and camp, hang out at Granville Island and on the False Creek Ferries, explore the beaches and parks, and see what fun the city has to offer for a preschooler. The next frontiers for me are getting back into dating (I’m scared witless of it at this point), and exploring the possibilities of an old interest: writing.

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Permalink Reply by Jenn on February 24, 2009 at 5:49pm

I guess I chose to become a single mom. I didn't *plan* my pregnancy, but I did choose to go forward with it even though the father & I hadn't been together very long. We decided not to force ourselves into an über-committed relationship right away but to continue to let our relationship evolve as naturally as possible.

This is where it gets dramatic - he was happy & excited about the baby at first, but after about a month he started to become distant. He kept putting off telling his parents, wouldn't come with me to any midwife appointments, & wouldn't give me a family medical history. He was furious when my aunt told me to have an abortion, but he wasn't involved in the pregnancy at all.

We stopped having any semblance of romance or dating.

He finally told his parents about the baby 6 months into the pregnancy. They are wonderful! I started to feel that everything was going to work out for us as parents.

Two weeks later he called - on Valentine's Day - to let me know that he married someone he met on vacation.

We're currently trying to figure out custody, child support, & co-parenting in general. It's getting hard to stay positive, but I'm trying!

Nice to meet you all,
Jenn

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Permalink Reply by Clare on March 1, 2009 at 5:09pm

Wow, that is a crazy story. It sounds like mine, except for the part where he ends up getting married. Best of luck Jenn, this will be a great support source for you.

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Permalink Reply by Nisa Windsong on March 16, 2009 at 6:47pm

I can imagine that it is very hard to stay positive. As someone who has gone through eight years of trying to relate with my daughters father (never married either) and gaining custody I say......... "Stay strong girl, if I could do it you can too!" ;-)

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Permalink Reply by Moira on March 1, 2009 at 12:52pm

When my son was 3 months old, my husband came home one day and out of nowhere said that he believed the last 10 years of our relationship was a mistake and he wanted to undo it. He gave a lot of "9 years ago i thought it might not be the right thing" and then gave nothing in the "let's try to work on it department". I know this sounds like an incomplete story, but really that's pretty much how it went.

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Permalink Reply by Clare on March 1, 2009 at 5:13pm

Wow, that was a bomb. Great timing, huh? I hope you are doing ok. In the end it will be best for all parties if one person is not committed or being authentic, because then you can move on to a life that is authentic. The hardest times usually end up making us grow and find our true happiness on the other side, even though it doesn't seem like it at the time. This is a great group and will be a source of support for you. Best of luck.

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Permalink Reply by Domingo on March 1, 2009 at 9:37pm

thru a very difficult divorce, I could not take the verbal abuse of my alcoholic ex-wife any more I took it for 16 years, as I thought to myself I could not let my baby (which she is now 19 years old) grow up without a mother and a father but as time passed things became worse, and 16 years later I became a single parent, my daughter now understands (somewhat) of what had happened between her mom and I and she understands. Her and I are closer than ever now, Thank God, for a while there I thought I was loosing her as she became so angry at me, eventhough she knew what had out me over the edge and, made my decision of divorcing her mom. It was difficult for me and hurt an awful lot that she was angry at me but, with time everything worked out for the best.

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Permalink Reply by Krista on March 2, 2009 at 1:12pm

Hi all, I just now joined and thought this would be as good a place as any to start. I became a single parent twice actually. I have 2 girls now 7 & 10. When I was pregnant with my youngest, my husband & I split and then got back together before the birth (hormones as they are!) When she was 10 months old we split for good and actually have gotten along better as exes than we ever did as a couple so we have a good parenting relationship that I am so very grateful for. 5 years ago now, I met the man of my dreams. He was also a single parent of a little girl a year younger than my youngest and we all got on wonderfully. We bought our dream home, got engaged, and then...2 and a half years into it he died. So...that was almost three years ago and its been a really rough road for my girls and myself. It has just been in the last few months that I have started to 'see the light' of promise and opportunity and happiness again so here I am in an effort to expand my social network and maybe have a little fun.

I look forward to meeting you all!


-K

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Permalink Reply by Nisa Windsong on March 16, 2009 at 6:54pm

Hi Krista,

I read your story and had to say "hi." I am so sorry for you loss! I am so happy for you that you are getting to the light though.
I was actually living with one of my best friends, two years ago when her husband died suddenly in the middle of the night! My daughter was six at the time. It is just so clear how precious life is and especially when one suffers this kind of loss. My friend and I are bonded in a way that has no words because I was with her when her sweetie passed. I wish you and your girls all of the best!

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Permalink Reply by Sarah Heath on March 2, 2009 at 10:33pm

I have been a single parent for 2+ years after 11 years of marriage. My ex asked for a divorce on New Years day when my youngest was one. He said it was because I did everything for the family and that I put the kids before him. Come to find out that he was sleeping with two girls at work (and had gotten fired for it 3 moths prior so he emptied all the accounts and then asked). When he moved out he moved in with the 21 year old and dumped the one that moonlighted as a stripper. I know, I pick winners. Although a rough couple of months everything turned out for the best. Besides the occasional home repair (very occasional) he was not very active as a father or husband. Now if I could just figure out how to work full time, be a great mom and squeeze in the occasional social activity.

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Permalink Reply by Honey on March 4, 2009 at 12:54pm

My childrens' father was and still is battling serious drug and alcohol addictions, as well as, sex addiction. After many attempts to 'clean' him up and forgiving him for the affairs. I accepted the fact that I was just enabling him, I gave him the final ultimatium, me and the kids or his drugs and alcohol and extra affairs, I explained that one of us needed to be healthy and alive for the kids. He chose the later, because I believe he didn't think that I was serious and maybe he thought it was just another ploy to try and control him. Maybe he thought 3 kids on my own were going to be too much for me and I'd be back. I tell you it was a breeze once I got rid of the "world's oldest teenager", he's 14 years my senior.

At this time, I had a dream that I was travelling down a red road and came to a fork in the road along the left road I saw the five us were standing together side-by-side and we all looked so ill, sad and dirty, the landscape was dead and barren, there was no sun and just the sound of misery, of crying and sounds of sickness. Completely revolted in this dream, I doubled back and took the right road and me and the kids' dad were standing on hills parted by a valley and the kids were running back and forth between us, he was so far away that I could barely see him at times, but the kids were laughing, healthy and full of life, they just kept running back and forth between us. I was standing alone on my hill but I looked so vibrant, happy and full of love, the landscape was beautiful, there was grass, trees, the sun was shining and I could hear birds singing and the sounds of life. I never forgot that dream.

I made up my mind as scared as I was, I was 23 years old, I found a place to rent, returned to try and pack, ended up in a nasty fight with him over the household belongings and was given the one opportunity right then and there to "take whatever I could carry" I picked up all three kids at the same time and stepped over the threshold. I turned and asked for a diaper and the door was slammed in my face, we left with the clothes on our backs. My little birds were 5 years, 2 years and 3 months old. I started having dreams that I had something special and precious and I would hurry home very excited to show the kids, I'd opened the box or bag that I had it in and it was always the same thing that I took out. I'd show the kids and their eyes would light up, in my hands was an orb, a round ball when we looked closer it was the world. You could see the oceans, mountains, clouds, everything, birds, trees. I'd look at the kids and they looked at me with wonderment and excitement, I showed them but wouldn't let them play with it, it was too special, I felt the need to protect it. To me when I think about it now, I realize that I held our world.

My babies are now 22 years, 19 years and 17 years. My 19 year-old is making me a Grandma and I'm sooooo excited, she's young but she's strong and she has her older brother and younger sister to rely on, as well as, me of course. I kind of knew this was happening because I have been dreaming that I was holding twins boys that I knew weren't mine but they were so familiar, they were mine but they weren't at the same time, I looked away for a moment and the twins turned into eight babies. I think that I'll eventually have eight grandbabies one day :) Is there such a thing as a single grandmother? My 22 year-old is a manger of clothing store and has finally accepted his lifestyle, I'm proud that he's confident enought inside his own skin and my 17 year old is popping in and out of school and seems a little lost at times, but she's still laughing and seems happy. I find the more I try and control her world the more out of control she becomes, I'm scared but I know she's in that stage and I read that the frontal lobe of the brain doesn't become fully developed until 21 years old. I keep thinking how can I get mad at her if she's only got a half developed brain?

Interestingly enough, their father has stated that he's entering rehab on June 15/09 because our daughter has already given him the ultimatum that he will not meet his grandchild unless he cleans up, (unfortunately, for him he now has several diseases, fortunately for me I "escaped ScotFree") he use to call drunk and tell the kids to tell me that he's sorry, I called him the other morning and told him that him and I are okay. My daughter she said that her child will not know him the way they knew him. I respect her decision and I realize that nothing is set in stone and everything happens for a reason, I feel like I have to respect her enough to let learn and I know that she knows I'm here. It has been the most difficult road that I've travelled but it has been the most wonderful journey I've ever taken.

I've been having this dream lately, I dream that I'm living with a female roommate, I've not seen her though, she seems to be gone when I get home. Twice now, I almost catch a glimpse of her but the door closes before I see her, I've looked down the hall outside my front door but she goes around the corner before I see her, I can't catch her but her rent is always on time, she's reliable. I keep getting this feeling that she's a weirdoo though like she doesn't know what she likes and what she doesn't like. She seems sad all the time and sometimes I hear her crying in the other room and all I feel so helpless all I can do is feel like I want to help her but I don't know how and her door is locked. I walk past her bedroom sometimes and it's a mess all her clothes are on the floor like she doesn't know what to wear. I get the feeling like she's anxious and frustrated and rushing around all the time.

Anyways, I've rambled on and on long enough, I became a single parent because I had two choices to either lose at the game of life with the cards that I got dealt or to re-shuffle the deck and re-deal it myself. Which I've done many, many times over the past 17 years. I've learned that the material things, bits of plastic, glass and metal, all evenutally end up in the landfill and that the most important things in life breath, walk and laugh and sometimes cry, hurt and need to be carried. I will continue to learn and there is so much more to learn and I realize that I am only human and so is everyone else, damn it. I'm learning that sometimes I gotta take that "S" off my chest to put it in the laundry, lol, or to take a bath. I don't like to pity myself because it's too distracting and I feel it's counterproductive right now, but I accept the fact that maybe that feeling will change. In fact, the only constant thing in life that you can depend on is change. I accept my old mantra of "My life will be different one day" is redundant, "My life is different today" I pray to all the gods, Buda, Christ, the Great Creator and all the ones that I can't name, but I am not a religious person, I pray for all my family, friends and foes. That is how I became a parent single or not, I am a parent :)

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Permalink Reply by Shannon Barnes on March 9, 2009 at 3:43pm

I can only say that I have made many choices in life that have brought me to the single parent road. I have invited people on this road with me from time to time and some have chosen to stay involved and others have walked another path. All in all myself and my children continue to learn about human nature and what makes people tick.

I have never married and both my children were unplanned, although I think I knew what I was doing with each of them. My eldest was a hard time for me and I was very young and undisciplined at the time. Probably why we continue to struggle like mad. I left her father 2 months after she was born and he left her life 6 months later when I met someone else and invited him into my life. About 2 years ago he came back into her life and has contact with her on occasion.

That man remained in our lives raising my eldest as his own and never asking for anything else in life really. When we split up 4 years later, attempted to make it work again and then came my second child. He went away to school, I found I liked life better this way and we split for good. He lives a few blocks away from us, has both girls every weekend and is very involved with them. We talk like friends on occassion and I appreicate him for the person he is and how much he cares about our children.

That's our story in a nutshell. Like I said, we invite people into our lives and sometimes they work out and sometimes they don't. I always take into consideration how my children feel about people who we invite in as I have made mistakes here and there. Mostly we have all grown from the experiences however and I look forward to the new people that become involved with us on this journey.

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