Soon to be an Empty Nester

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Permalink Reply by Amber on July 24, 2008 at 9:39am

I'm not an empty nester but I just wanted to say that you absolutely have every reason to be on this site! I hope you're able to find the support you are looking for here!

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Permalink Reply by Lindylou on July 24, 2008 at 9:47am

Thank you Amber. This seems like a really supportive place and I am seeing some really good advice coming from many people on many subjects.

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Permalink Reply by Kristin on July 24, 2008 at 10:49am

Hi Lindylou,
Being the parent of a teenager is probably when you need this type of advice the most! Mine aren't quite there yet but wanted you to know that it sure seems like this is the place to be - there must be quite a few single parents out there with teenagers in high school! Good luck.

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Permalink Reply by Lura Frazey on July 25, 2008 at 8:16pm

Hi Lindylou - This is Lura and I'm already an empty nester. My son is 20 and moved out a couple of years ago and you're right - the need for advice, support and networking doesn't end. I'm glad you've opened up the subject. Do you have any dreams of your own you want to pursue after your kids leave home?

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Permalink Reply by Lindylou on July 26, 2008 at 2:16pm

Hi Lura,

That's an interesting question in a way, because really over the past 3 years I've built more and more of a life for myself that is independent of my daughters, giving them the chance to take on responsibility little by little and giving me the chance to pursue making some new friends and doing some new things. For instance, I live in the Portland, Oregon area. I started attending Sunset Presbyterian church because I'd heard they had a singles ministry. That was in 2006 and now two years later I have served on the Leadership Team, made a bunch of new friends (male and female, and yes a woman can have male friends) and even dated someone from the group for awhile. I was in charge of planning the activities we do as a group for quite a long time -- hikes, raft trips, theme dinners, holiday events, volleyball, karaoke, etc. I really stretched and grew and found I had some new talents. This has all been satisfying, but it isn't enough. So, back to your question: do I have any dreams of my own that I want to pursue? I would say there are many -- own my own home, travel more, take ONE exotic vacation to somewhere warm and sunny with a crystal white beach, pursue my love of art quilts and creating that kind of art and perhaps serve on a nonprofit board of some sort.

How did you cope with the initial loneliness? What was unexpected or took you by surprise about the empty nest? I'd love to hear your perspective.

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Permalink Reply by Mary Yannayon on August 12, 2008 at 12:05pm

I'm glad to see a forum for this. I'm about to have an empty nest too. I really have struggled with it. I have never in my entire life really lived alone. For a two years I lived in a house trailer on a friends property. But the family was always in and out of my trailer. So I never really felt I was alone. But now Two of my kids are married and another has moved out to go work across country. I still have one at home but he is attempting to become a singer and will be on the road doing gigs and possible singing tours. Then I will be alone for the first time in my life. That is really scary to me. Since my husband passed away my whole life was wrapped up in my kids. Now they are soon all on there own. What am I going to do?? What am I going to live for???? How am I going to stay sane with just caring for myself? My whole aspect of living is changing. It is really scary for me. I never thought it would happen like this. I always expected To live with my husband. And when he passed away I figured I would marry someone else in time. (My late husband had asked me to do that before he passed.) But I never found anyone I wanted to marry. So now What??????????????????? Working on trusting God to provide,your Friend, Mary

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Permalink Reply by Lindylou on August 12, 2008 at 2:49pm

Hi Mary,

You have A LOT to live for!!! I am frightened to be on my own too. What I decided to do recently was start a notebook where I could jot down ideas of things I want to do. I jot down one thing per page. Then when I have a little time I've gone back and started to plan out how to "get there". For instance, I want to go on a tropical vacation, but I don't know where. So I listed "exotic vacation" at the top of the page. When I went back I started writing down stuff like this:
1) Research on the internet places that might be interesting to visit
2) Capture unique things about each location -- sites, amenities, tours, etc
3) Estimate cost of vacation
4) Make a savings plan for it
etc
It is just an idea that came to me and it has sort of energized me and helped me feel like I can CREATE things that are worth living for just for ME that are outside of serving my family's needs. Do trust God to provide. You will find friends and neighbors and family that will be your angels here on earth and help you along the way too. I don't know much about living in TN, but I think universally we all need to feel needed. One of my pages says: "Identify a cause to get behind that will result in you feeling needed by others." I don't think that is selfish; I think it is self-care!

Hope my ideas help. Hang in there! You will be ok.
~ Linda ~

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Permalink Reply by Mary Yannayon on August 13, 2008 at 3:48pm

Thanks Linda for the suggestions. I appreciate that. It's not that I'm afraid I won't have enough to do. I have lots of things to do. But doing them alone just hasn't had much appeal. But I suppose I will learn to accept that as I do everything else. I'm working hard to not worry about it. But just trust God. I know He will work it all out for His glory. It's something I have to make a daily effort to just let it go and wait till it comes and let God show me the way. It is not an easy thing for me to do. But I wouldn't keep my kids home for nothing. They need to go spread their wings and learn to fly where God leads them. Without worrying about Mom. God Bless you , My friend!!!

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Permalink Reply by Lura Frazey on August 22, 2008 at 7:42am

The initial loneliness didn't last that long for me because I have a very close group of friends and I concentrated on spending my extra time around them so I was always surrounded by love and support. I still missed my son around the house for a few weeks but as I grew accustomed to him not living with me I began to enjoy the freedom I was suddenly experiencing. Once I realized I could do anything I wanted to with my life now, I got busy fulfilling some dreams I had and I've never been happier. A lot of older Mom's had told me that the secret was to "get a life" but I always thought that was just an oversimplified cliche. Now I realize they were right. The more I've learned to live for myself, the happier I've been and the better I've been at parenting my adult son, which is VERY different from parenting a child.

I think the biggest surprise I've experienced has been how much I enjoy being the parent of an adult. Now I'm seeing him really take on the challenges of life for himself and watching him learn to value what I've taught him and we are becoming adult friends instead of a Mommy and her Boy. It is the most satisfying (and sometimes the hardest because I'm not allowed to give unsolicited advice) stage of parenting so far.

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Permalink Reply by Mary Yannayon on August 22, 2008 at 11:07am

Hi Lura, It is good to hear from you. I suppose that is my biggest struggle. I have never lived for myself. It was always for the best interest of others. Either my husband, kids or friends. It has been that way all my life. So when I think of just doing for me, I have a tendency to think "What for?" I suppose I deep inside me I probably feel that is not important enough to continue on for. What kind of life is that centered around myself. It sounds boring. LOL I believe I will go searching for some others that could use some friendships. That sounds much more interesting and fulfilling. Just my way of feeling about myself I suppose. God bless you!!! Your Friend, Mary

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