when to introduce the "lil ones"

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Permalink Reply by Candace on November 6, 2008 at 9:58pm

Serious is when you have talked marriage or moving in. Serious is when you feel like "that" person is going to be a adult role model is your childs life on a consistent basis. Anything else is dating

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Permalink Reply by Sara Rook on November 6, 2008 at 10:04pm

so so true!!!!

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Permalink Reply by Mary Mary on November 26, 2008 at 2:05pm

How can you talk about marriage or moving in until you see how the person interacts with your child?

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Permalink Reply by Michael McDonald on October 26, 2008 at 2:32pm

My Daughter is 10 now and my approach to this is to explain what dating / engagement / marriage are and how they are different. I prefer not to surprise her and to that end I take her option into account after I introduce her to someone new. Meaning her approval is important.

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Permalink Reply by anna rivera on October 28, 2008 at 9:18am

yes_ but where does the time 4 personal time w/ someone other than a six year old come into play????????

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Permalink Reply by Scott on October 28, 2008 at 11:02am

I wouldn't go out on more than 2 or 3 dates before introducing my kids to someone I'm dating. It's likely that they'd meet someone well before then, though. I'm more likely to ask someone out on a date if they're a friend of a friend.

I think it depends on what we're calling "dating". If I mean "going out at night to sleep with someone" then that's not dating so much as "hooking up". If that's something I'm okay with my kids having modeled for them, then I should probably introduce the kids quickly. If it's not something I'm okay modeling for my children, then I probably shouldn't be doing it. If I'm going to do it anyway, then I should probably keep doing it while they are asleep.

I dated for a few months after the divorce, and my kids knew I had a friend, but they didn't know we were dating. I didn't ever hold her hand or kiss her or anything in front of them. It wasn't a long-term relationship and I didn't want to present it as such. She was friends with the kids and they *loved* her dog, but when we stopped seeing one another the kids didn't really miss her. Well, they occasionally missed her dog.

The right time for me to do the introduction is "as soon as there's an opportunity". I'd go to the park, or go to dinner, or something, with the person I'm dating along with my kids. Are there single parents with enough free time to leave the kids behind while they do the bulk of their dating? Wow, bonus... that's a pretty cool luxury. I'd still suggest introducing the kids asap, though. Hiding portions of my life from my kids establishes secrecy and deception and I wanna minimize those things whenever I can. Ditto on lying; if a kid asks who a person is I hope that I'd be up front about it rather than giving an excuse or a lie.

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Permalink Reply by Scott on November 7, 2008 at 10:51am

Some people would say that when you kiss someone it's serious.

Others would say that when you're sleeping with someone it's serious. That's where I'd weigh in, personally... if I am gonna sleep with someone then it's high time for them to meet my kids.

If I've talked marriage or moving in and my kids don't know this person yet, then I've gone way beyond when they should've. But that's me. I'd agree with Candace that this should probably be the final benchmark, though... nobody should ever wait longer than that before integrating their kid and their lover.

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Permalink Reply by henrysmommy54 on November 10, 2008 at 4:39pm

I just wanted to reply to this posting since I am going through the heartahce of my son and I losing out on three wonderful kids. My ex and I were together a total of ten months and he just broke things off unexpectedly and he was the one who promised in the beginning that his was a long term deal and he wasn't going anywhere and he wanted the kids to be introduced early on and I went with it, and in retrospect wish I hadn't. I loved/love his kids and so did my son and they all got along so well, so I feel bad that they all lost each other as friends and us in their lives. Does that make sense? I think it is something that really needs to be discussed and takes time and needs to be done with a lot of caution. It is fine that he hurt me, it is so not fine that he hurt my son.

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Permalink Reply by Scott on November 10, 2008 at 5:16pm

When blended families divorce there is some additional pain, for sure. :(

My older boys never really bonded tightly with their little brothers' mom... she raged a lot and when she did they tended to avoid her as much as they could. But they still built bonds over the 8 years or so of our marriage, and she loves them very much. She's only seen them 2 or 3 times since the divorce, though, and it's very sad for her.

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Permalink Reply by Bruce on November 13, 2008 at 7:18am

I am at the point right that i am trying to figure this out. I do not want to bring anyone around my kids until it is beyond the dating stage. I have found that i am scared even then . My 8 year old has gone through alot since his parents split and I am afraid that this will end up causing more pain. At the same time how can you get serious about anyone until you can see how they will act around your kids. If someone has this figured out please tell me because it escapes me.

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Permalink Reply by Brooke on November 13, 2008 at 12:03pm

Since leaving my sons father 6 years ago, I've always operated under the theory that he won't meet any man that I am dating until I am sure that the relationship will be long term. There have been men that have been in my life for a significant amount of time (8+) months, that he never met. Then there have been men who have met him after a month or two.

And then that all changed recently. lol

I took my son with me on my first date with Clif. Granted, it wasn't a "date" date. We met for breakfast. He knew I had my son, and invited us both. Never in a million years did I ever consider taking my son with me on a date. It was a kind of gut feeling. And, if I liked him in person as much as I liked him on iheart and over the phone, I knew I'd want my son to like him. If he didn't like him, I didn't like him. Kids are amazing judges of character. Thankfully my son liked him! Seeing how someone you are dating interacts with your child(ren) is so important to consider.

I don't think that there are steadfast rules to abide by. There are so many factors involved when you have children and are dating. I think you need to just follow your gut instincts.

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Permalink Reply by Tammi on November 19, 2008 at 10:24am

This is crazy!!! a major catch 22. If you wait until things get more serious and you are talking marriage what if they do not mesh with the kids? But is you introduce to soon they get attached. I feel I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I just got out of a relationship where he knew my kiddo's and I knew his. It sucks the boys question where he is and his son calls me. The sad this is I was more attached to his son than him. lol

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